Dubai, United Arab Emirates (CNN) — Are you worried about being a perfectionist? No wonder, given all the messages that distort this trend and advise us to abandon it in favor of achieving balance.
Psychotherapist Katherine Morgan Schafler rejects this approach, which contradicts the idea that perfectionism is something that must be overcome.
Schafler explains that getting rid of perfectionism will not work because it is an essential element of who you are. Instead, it’s time to recognize perfectionism as a gift and a source of strength.
The author of The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control: The Path to Power and Peace advises reclaiming the pursuit of perfection to live life to its fullestCredit: Courtesy Penguin Random House
It’s okay for perfectionists to be unbalanced people, Schafler says in her book, “The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power.”
Furthermore, changing by subscribing to pre-conceived notions about balance when they don’t fit your personality is unhealthy.
Instead, Schafler advises people to celebrate their continued pursuit of bridging the gap between reality and idealism.
Too often, guidance issued under the guise of self-care, especially for women, revolves around suppressing “expressions of ambition and the search for strength,” which can help people live life to its fullest.
Schaeffler says it’s time to redefine the term perfectionism, with all the benefits that the desire to excel brings.
CNN: What is the definition of perfectionism?
Schaffler: Perfectionism is a natural instinct unique to humans. We all have the cognitive ability to see reality, project new and improved versions of it, and notice the differences between what exists now and what is ideal.
At the same time, perfectionists are those who not only see this gap, but feel the necessity of trying to bridge it.
They have an instinct to explore the limits of possibilities without being restricted by what is realistic.
In the field of mental health, many talk about this necessity in a negative way, and as a sign of a disorder. But saying something is essential does not automatically mean it is unhealthy.
In my view, perfectionism is the energy that makes the world go round. Societies need people who are motivated to strive for the ideal.
The stress that characterizes perfectionists is the source of their strength.
The key is to apply this power with intention, constructively, and consciously.
CNN: What does it look like to consciously implement perfectionism?
Schaffler: When you consciously direct something, you’re not attached to the outcome in the same way that you’re trying to control it.
People who align with their abilities have a self-defined rather than external version of success.
For perfectionists, this means reminding yourself that you are already perfect, checking in with yourself and checking in with a friend to see how you feel, and giving yourself free access to goodness, without evaluating your performance to determine how much goodness you “deserve.”
There is no healthy version of tying your self-worth to accomplishments, and things like love, freedom, joy, and dignity are birth rights that you don’t have to do anything to deserve.
While healthy perfectionists strive for success, unhealthy perfectionists strive not to fail, which comes from a compensatory place where you feel like you’re not enough, so you feel like you have to do your best to make up for your gaps.
The goal is to harness the power of perfection to help you. Healthy perfectionists realize that idealism is intended to be a source of inspiration, not something to achieve.
CNN: How does the need for control relate to perfectionism?
Schaffler: You might hear perfectionists say, “I can’t help myself.”
Immediately, this is translated as a problem by people who think you should be able to lower your standards or relax “like a normal person.”
We don’t necessarily want to reduce our perfectionist tendencies, we just want to be aware of them. Perfectionism doesn’t have to be a struggle, and you don’t have to give up being a perfectionist to be healthy.
I recommend rephrasing this question to: What if your perfectionism was there to help you?
CNN: How can perfectionists differentiate between working to the point of illness and embracing our passions in a healthy, energizing way?
Schaffler: This is where pleasure comes in. Often times we deprive ourselves of pleasure in the name of responsibility and discipline, but there is nothing responsible about not giving attention to what makes you feel good. The problem comes if we cannot recognize the difference between instant gratification and actual pleasure.
Instant gratification often creates anticipatory anxiety, while pleasure teaches you about who you are, what you like,
This is how to know if you’re on the right track – the right job, relationship, or work style will make you feel good.
CNN: What does a healthy life balance look like?
Schafler: A healthy, balanced life looks different for everyone, and it’s usually when your actions are consistent with your values.
It can be difficult to choose which values to prioritize, but this decision can really help clarify how you spend your time.
Here’s a way to help you figure out what values are most important to you: Compliments that mean a lot to you reveal your values.
For example, if someone tells me I look beautiful today, that’s nice. I don’t hate this compliment, but it’s also forgettable to me. It doesn’t resonate emotionally because beauty is not my top priority. But when people tell me they were moved to tears after reading my book, that is touching and important to me.
2023-09-14 09:34:28
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