It tends to be downplayed, but the death of a companion animal can cause a deep emptiness for those who suffer it
Laura Vidal brings together in this book her experience as an animal pain manager, “to help those who are going through this trance”
–
The pain that Laura Vidal felt when losing her animals helped her find her mission in life: “Accompany other people to cope with that duel“This is what this converted veterinary assistant has been doing for two years, out of solidarity, into a specialist in animal pain management, and a writer, by chance.
–
The lack of information on the subject led him to self-publish his first book, Wait for me in the rainbow, who wrote “as therapy” after the death of her “perrichildren” -as she calls them-. “I then received such an avalanche of messages asking for my help that I decided to train as a companion in this type of duel,” he explains to NIUS.
–
From that experience his second book When you are gone (Vergara, 2021), with which you intend to support those who have lost their dog, their cat, or any pet, and do not find the help, words and empathy that you need in conventional psychologists or in your environment. “Because the road can be hard and there is no reason to go it alone,” he says.
–
Question. Are there more people than we think who suffer that emptiness, that pain, when their pet dies?
–
Answer. Yes, there are many. What happens is that they are a little hidden, a little camouflaged, I would say, because socially, mourning for animals is not well understood. It’s like an illegitimate duel, forbidden. And the worst thing is that it is not respected. After having lost that loved one you have to endure until they laugh at you for being bad, you have to listen to phrases such as “if it was only an animal”, “what a drama you are riding”, “with the important things there are” , “Well go and buy another one.” It is a drink for those who are suffering. Those who have animals are easy to understand but there is a lot of misunderstanding.
–
P. And what does that rejection provoke?
–
R. Get that the person who is grieving feels that their pain is not validated, it feels exaggeratedHe feels that it is not normal, because the people around him tell him, my goodness, that this is silly, how are you like this, and that leads him to hide it, to keep it inside, which is the worst thing you can do in a duel.
–
An incongruity occurs, because you are feeling one thing and doing another. That generates a lot of discomfort. Besides grief, the only way to overcome it is by living it. There is no magic formula, you cannot turn off the button and reset yourself so as not to suffer. In the end you have to live it, you have to go through the stages, you have to cry, you have to let it go. If you keep them and hide it, the only thing you get is that it lasts over time, that it stays embedded inside. You do not generate tools to face next duels to come. In other words, everything is complicated a lot by the simple fact of not being able to express your pain openly.
–
P. The people you treat for this problem, what do they demand the most?
–
R. Understanding. People who come to me are not just looking for therapy, because they would go to a psychologist. They come because they know I’ve been through it and I’ve gotten over it and they want to know how. They look for someone who listens to them and does not judge them because they tell me things that are sometimes politically incorrect. There are people who tell me that they have had a worse time losing their animal than when their mother has died, for instance. Tell me how you are going to say that out there without provoking reactions of all kinds.
–
P. It is that many people establish very strong ties with their pets …
–
R. Of course, in the end what marks the duel is the relationship that you have with the one who has left. If you have a dog in the field with whom you deal little, then logically you are not going to have a duel that we are talking about, but The person who has his animal as a member of his family, who loves him, who goes everywhere with him, will suffer a lot because it is part of his closest nucleus. I have met people who told me “I have not gone on vacation for 10 years because without my dog I am not going anywhere, or without my cat.” And of course, in those people the duel is like that of any other family member.
–
P. I imagine you have seen cases of a unique union
–
R. Yes, I could tell you a thousand stories, but the one of a girl I deal with comes to mind. She is 46 years old and has been ill with cancer. The husband left her when he was diagnosed because he said he was unprepared. She defends that those who were there, day and night for her, those who never left her, those who were when she was vomiting in the toilet lying on the floor, were her dogs. So, of course, look what it will be like for this person the moment they leave, it has not happened yet, but it is close and it is already dealing with me because it knows that the day they die is going to be fatal.
–
P. We always talk about dogs or cats, but we also suffer from the loss of other animals …
–
R. Totally true. And those people have an even worse time, because If it is difficult for people to understand that you suffer from the departure of a dog or cat, imagine if it is a ferret, a rabbit or a bird. Grief is even more difficult to share.
–
As a society we should understand that it does not matter what you think of that animal. Likewise, one person is having a hard time for a rabbit and another is eating it in the paella. I hope so what matters is having empathy with that person, understanding that they have lost a relationship that was fundamental to them and that I have to try to understand them, although I do not have that relationship with animals.
–
P. Do you give concrete guidelines to face the duel?
–
R. Yes, I accompany them in each phase of the duel. In denial, in sadness, in anger, in denial and finally in acceptance. I give them guidelines, I help them manage them and above all I am anticipating them so that they are not surprised when they arrive. For example, there are people who call me to tell me that instead of crying, they are angry, that they feel a rage inside that is not normal. And when you tell them that it is normal, that it is a phase of grief, they feel very relieved.
–
P. Is there a difference between grieving for a person and grieving for an animal?
–
R. Well, the truth is that it has nothing different. The phases are the same, the emotions that we are going to feel are the same. Yes it is true that, for example, in duels with animals there is usually a lot of guilt that with people it is not so much. It is normal because they are beings that depend on us. Many of the people who arrive are people who have euthanized them, for example. And of course, these people have a brutal feeling of guilt.
–
Then the other difference that I see comes from the environment. When a relative dies, everyone goes to your house, everyone helps you, but when your dog or cat dies, you don’t feel that support., many times the opposite, as we said before. People don’t offer their condolences, they don’t even mention it, they pretend nothing has happened.
–
P. What is essential when facing the death of your pet?
–
R. The essential is have someone to vent to, someone to share that pain with. I always tell my “patients” that if they trust someone in that sense, don’t be afraid to call them, to give them a spin, because in the end that is what is going to help you process. But it is difficult to find, do not believe it, because since we also do not have a lot of grief culture. What’s the matter? That when the person who has suffered this wants to talk about it, people come out terrified, because it’s like I don’t know what face to put on, I don’t know what to say to them. AND They do not realize that the person who is like this does not need to be told anything, he needs to be listened to.
–
P. Now we celebrate All Saints’ Day. Does it also make sense to celebrate the death of a pet on this day?
–
R. It makes perfect sense. I would tell you that all the people I have accompanied, I think without exception, all those who have done a farewell ritual, have told me that it has helped them a lot. Rituals have been around for a long time and they exist for a reason, because they help our mind to process certain things, to accept what has happened.
–
P. What kind of ritual do you propose?
–
R. Well look, now it is taking a lot to do it the Mexican way. In small altars you can put photos of the animal or animals that have left and dedicate some offerings, which can be their favorite toys, something that reminds you of them … It’s like a way of honoring, of saying: “Even though you’ve left, we haven’t forgotten you. You still have a place here.”
— .
