Day after day of rain; that ease with which Acid uses the word ‘class justice’; seeing mirrors pop up for weeks because I googled them once; have to wait four days before my doctor has a calendar hole. The feeling that keeps welling up is called: ‘annoyance’.
I’m really annoyed by cars driving down my slow street at 60 km/h. And yellow and green on the many parakeets that chase away the finches in my garden. And to complete the list, I am really annoyed by my electrician who fails to come to complete a half-completed job for weeks. And someone gets really annoyed when I don’t put up a new toilet roll.
Our language has so many power words for the same emotion that it must be important. That is also true: (scarce) research shows that annoyance is the main cause of relationship problems. It is as unhealthy as an allergy and prevents us from living harmoniously. It is, psychologists say, like a gas leak that can ultimately lead to an explosion.
Selfishness and vanity
The man who turned annoyance into a mission is the American comedian Larry David, who can be seen in the television series Curb your enthusiasm. In it he vents his daily annoyances about the smacking noises people make, narcissistic hip-hoppers, meaningless laws and double standards, and the bonfire of vanities that illuminates our lives. He does this so enthusiastically that it inspires him to look at the world in that way. I call that “the Larry look”.
From my recent experience: people who leave their shopping cart in the middle of the aisle and block the way; a restaurant that plays a 40-minute classics playlist over and over again; double parking in the center of Brussels; silly spy games in Camp Waes; unattainable renovation standards for old houses; trains that are delayed; people chatting right through a sensitive ballad during a concert; parents of young football players who curse at the referee. Natalia who is… well, Natalia.
Some think that annoyance is rooted in a shadow play with ourselves. Simply put, that means I’m annoyed by that playlist because I want to make a better one myself. I want to be able to be as selfish as Natalia. I would like to give that referee my honest opinion and I also want to have the courage to double park, regardless of the inconvenience it causes others. I’m jealous, and I sublimate it by being annoyed about something I actually want.
It’s a bit like that, but it’s much more.
Against all odds
Annoyance is quite different from anger, fear or boredom. Annoyance comes just as suddenly when she lies down again and can be very subjective: sometimes you are the only one in a group who feels it coming on. She is unpleasant, and breaks our expectations, which our brain never likes. Sometimes a situation repeats itself, and a negative feeling grows that threatens the relationship.
Broadly speaking, these are the major sources of annoyance: clumsy habits, carelessness, meddling and transgressive behavior. I experienced them all at once when I was standing at passport control in an airport some time ago: people stuck in my back, pushed their trolleys against my heels, even stabbed when I wasn’t looking. It came across as rude, pushy and inconsiderate, and my standards were compromised. But it also means that annoyance is context-specific: someone explained to me that people from India are more used to mass gatherings and therefore move closer to you.
Annoyance is also linked to time and habits. For example, it seems that young people are annoyed by phone calls (you have to text before you call) and also by emails (and I get annoyed when they don’t answer an email). Older people are annoyed by smartphones that are on the table. Double parking would be something ‘southern’. When traveling, we easily sin, out of ignorance or impoliteness, against local sensitivities, which can create annoyance on both sides.
Reflection
I always thought it was healthy to express your annoyance. We have a theatrical range for that: rolling your eyes to heaven, loudly clicking your tongue, stamping your foot, the sarcastic remark or strong outburst. It’s all letting off steam. And you get to know yourself, as if in a mirror image – not always flattering. On the other hand, we often hold back and bottle up the annoyance until it disappears ‘of its own accord’. But where did she go?
Specialists in this matter think that we should tackle our annoyance before it festers, but since it comes on briefly and suddenly, this cannot be easily managed. The magic word would be ‘letting go’. Don’t try to say coolly that you don’t care about those double-parkers, and don’t bash that shopping cart that blocks everything, because that way you won’t get rid of your annoyance. Don’t think “again” if there is no toilet roll again. And the next time you bump into double-parkers, take a moment to think about it.
Standing still helps. I didn’t used to be annoyed by foul-mouthed football fans, I think, or by annoying shopping carts: so maybe there’s something deeper going on at work, or at home? And calling my electrician an inveterate sloth isn’t going to get him here, so I better explain to him that the unterminated cables are in the way. And at the airport I will just drag my suitcase behind me, that creates space. But above all: for every annoyance there should be something positive, to compensate.
