When you get married, you do it forever. And whatever your daughter or son is up to, “it will still be your child”. Is there really unconditional love between people? Or do we especially want to believe in that?
To whom in your environment do you say “I love you”? Do the Quest research
Whether lovers fight each other out of the tent, whether we get confused with family members or not, we always cling to our ideal: that many forms of love are unconditional. But whether that is realistic?
“We know a lot about the different properties of love bonds. You can roughly divide them into four layers,” says professor of clinical neuropsychology Margriet Sitskoorn of Tilburg University. She is researching love.
At the bottom is humanity, a love that is not very selective or eternal. Above it is the layer of good friendships. “They can exist for a long time, but they can also disappear and they are not entirely unique: people often have several good friends.”
“In general, romantic love can take a beating”
Margriet Sitskoorn, professor of clinical neuropsychology
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Pink cloud helps
Sitskoorn mentions romantic love as the third layer. What helps in this, especially in the very beginning, is the pink cloud. “Researchers at University College in London had people who were deeply in love look at pictures of their loved ones and other people around them, while a brain scan was made, “says the neuropsychologist.
“As soon as people looked at their loved one, parts of the reward system in their brains became active. And the areas of the brain that play a role in judging and feeling negative emotions were suppressed.” That mechanism has a biological function: those pink glasses benefit reproduction.
There will only come a time when that pink cloud evaporates and the less pleasant sides become more visible to someone. But even then, many people turn out to be willing to stick with it. “In general, romantic love can take a beating, especially when children and a mortgage are involved,” said Sitskoorn.
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When people look at their loved ones, parts of the reward system in the brain become active and parts that feel negative emotions are suppressed. (Photo: Pro Shots)
Sacrifice is rewarded
That sounds more pragmatic than unconditional. And neurobiologically that is also correct. Sitskoorn: “You can define unconditional love as love with self-sacrifice for the benefit of the other. But that love is never selfless if we look at it from the brain. That’s where your primary pleasure system is stimulated when you do something for someone else.”
And so unconditional love does not exist in a neurobiological sense, according to de Sitskoorn. Not even in the fourth and top layer of love, the one between parent and child. “That love rarely breaks.”
My child is the prettiest
The pink cloud also plays a role in the love of a parent for a child. Parents think their child is the prettiest, cutest and most beautiful. Their assessment mechanism is also clouded. “And that’s a good thing, because parents are busy with their parenting task for years. A child is born with immature brains, socially totally dependent. A parent has to put a lot of love into that for a very long time, otherwise it will not work.”
And why do parents want to give everything to make sure their child is doing well? Yes, because that also makes them feel good. Sitskoorn again refers to the pleasure system in the brain. ‘With the upbringing you not only influence the brain of the child, but also your own.
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Love between parent and child rarely breaks. (Photo: Getty Images)
Long and happy
Knowing this, why do we have such a soft spot for that unreal unconditional love? “Logical”, says Sitskoorn, “if everyone is happy together, it will bring everyone a lot.”
So we should continue to believe in happily ever after? Israeli philosopher Aaron Ben-Ze’ev sums it up in his book The Arc of Love optimistic together: “If you hold the ideal image of unconditional love and see your loved one as unique and valuable, then you can just selffulfilling prophecy create: a deep and stable relationship that can last for a long time. “
In short: unconditional love does not exist neurobiologically. Eternal love, but strangely enough it has more to do with our brain than with our heart.
To whom in your environment do you say “I love you”? Do the Quest research
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