About half of the population has gone or will go through menopause, but because it’s so rarely discussed, people often don’t know what to expect until they’re already in the thick of it. And like puberty before it, the changes can be surprising.
On top of that, you might be confusing menopause with perimenopause. Menopause is defined as the time when a menstruating person’s periods have stopped for at least 12 months, and the average age of menopause is 51. However, estrogen can begin to decline years earlier, often in your 30s or 40s, resulting in perimenopause — and symptoms like hot flashes that we commonly think of as signs of menopause.
And just like everyone’s period is different, each individual’s experience of perimenopause and menopause can vary. Some people may have few symptoms while others can have symptoms that linger on decades into menopause. For some people, hormone replacement therapy (HRT) can provide relief, but for people with a history of certain cancers these medications usually aren’t the best option.
All of this made me wonder what else nobody talks about when it comes to perimenopause and menopause, so I asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to share the things that surprised them most about this transition. Here’s what they had to say:
1. “New PMS symptoms like wild exhaustion four days before my period, but just for one day. And gum pain and inflammation. I was not expecting this at all and it was disturbing at first until I realized it peaked, you guessed it, four days before my period!”
2. “There are so many unexpected changes! The most unexpected for me was clumsiness. I am never without a bruise or two. Then there is the receding gums and frequent urinary tract infections that my doctor and dentist are attributing to peri-menopause. Certain foods that I could always eat before now give me indigestion or heartburn too and not the foods you would expect. Peanut butter and cucumbers are the worst right now.”
—Karen, 45
3. “The way your body processes alcohol. I always noticed, when I was younger, that depending where I was in my cycle, I could have one glass of wine and feel drunk AF, or drink an endless supply of alcohol and barely feel buzzed. When perimenopause hit, even the smallest amount of alcohol would give me a hangover. On the other side of menopause, the ‘next morning’ feeling, even with a small glass of wine, was not worth the glass of wine anymore. Menopause killed alcohol for me and for the most part, I don’t really care, but it was a weird experience.”
—filmteach
4. “OMG, the itching. Nobody tells you that your skin will feel as it’s on fire even if you moisturize every day. I feel as if I could scrub with wire wool!”
5. “I wasn’t prepared for my skin to start breaking out. I sailed through teenage life without any major skin problems. But when perimenopause started, I started getting patches of acne. I’m almost 54 now (I started having early menopause symptoms at 34) and so far, random zits and hot flashes are all I have that are semi regular occurrences. But everyone else has mentioned the other crap. I was expecting all that. I wasn’t expecting the breakouts!”
—pahz
6. “I have been in a pill-induced menopause since the age of 19, and now doctors are looking to remove my ovaries entirely due to my medical problems. I have gained considerable weight now that my metabolism slowed, lost a lot of hair (and what’s left is thin and brittle), constantly feel like my skin’s on fire from hot flashes, and my joints ache and hurt terribly. Just sitting down on the toilet causes significant pain in my knees.”
—Lizz, 20
7. “I’m 45 now and over the last two to three years, sh*t has gotten weird. I’ve always had mild anxiety, but PMS week now, it’s out of control. I never had a panic attack in my life before this. I also started to get awful TMJ, migraines out of the blue with insane muscle tightness throughout my entire body. I’m normally pretty energetic and run six days a week, but I get really fatigued that week and could lay on the couch all day hate watching housewives and eating every bit of chocolate I can find. I’ve also always had mild PMS bloating and weight gain, but now I’m a completely different size the week before my period. It’s like 10 pounds of water weight overnight and I look pregnant. It’s super obvious and I’m incredibly thankful I wear scrubs to work. Other weird symptoms are reflux, dry eyes, change in hair texture, itchy skin, and a major decrease in tolerance for bullshit. No one warned me about this and I’m so glad to see I’m not alone.”
9. “I developed eczema in my private parts — intense itching that was pretty embarrassing to be out in public when it hit. That has gone away for the most part, but I am now dealing with heartburn and upset stomach. I’m 55 years old and had never had heartburn in my life. Could be an ulcer. Could be gallbladder or something else. Waiting to have my scope done for that one. Had to get on hormone replacement and birth control pills to control the rapid heartbeat and palpitations. ER doctors thought I was having a heart attack. I tried to tell them it was hormone related. They finally agreed. Ladies, study up before you reach menopause so you know what could possibly happen when it hits.”
—Linda, 55
10. “I just turned 46 and am in perimenopause which is the fun period BEFORE menopause even hits. My weirdest symptom has been an increase in shoulder joint pain. My left shoulder and arm is getting especially weaker and less flexible and painful, especially at night when I’m trying to sleep. Apparently this can lead to something called ‘frozen shoulder’ which is, you guessed it, caused by menopause.”
11. “My boobs doubled in size.”
—Julie, 50
12. “No hot flashes, no weird sex life changes, no weight gain, BUT I have become so much dumber. My brain fog is insane and I can’t recall simple stuff. It’s actually kind of scary because you start to think about the possibility of dementia. Yeah, it’s that bad. I was actually once pretty smart, really good at trivia and could quote random bits of Shakespeare and poetry. Now all I’ve got is ‘I used to know that.’ I miss my brain.”
—kestrelh
13. “I’m 49 and the symptoms have started. Not only do I get hot flashes, I get COLD flashes! It’s bizarre. I’ll be sweating like crazy then all of a sudden I’m freezing to death! And the mood swings. My poor husband!”
14. “My periods sped up and got heavier. I’m anemic anyway, but going into perimenopause made my iron levels crash from losing so much blood so quickly. I’ve been on daily iron supplements, but still had to get infusions and one blood transfusion. I just got my uterus ablated and hopefully that will cause less blood loss if I’m going to have so many cycles. My gyno says it’s not uncommon to have a few years of irregular cycles/less days in the cycle than for most of your menstruation history. I also have years-long but recently-discovered endometriosis and the cramping has gotten more frequent too with perimenopause. Hopefully I’ll be getting surgery to remove some of that and scar tissue soon.”
—K, 44
15. “My ears (more often my right) are always itchy. I used to be able to take a mid-afternoon walk in 90 degrees and have nothing more than a dewy glow, but now I look like I won the Super Bowl and had Gatorade thrown on me. The other day, I walked from my door to my car and it looked like I forgot to dry my hair. The crazy thing was, I didn’t even feel hot.”
—rcantave711_
16. “My hair texture changed. I now have my mom’s half curly/half straight hair. The front is still straight but the back half is curly. Ringlet curly! Before it was classic native smooth. I have no idea how to take care of it.”
17. “Too many things to list them all, but among the more unusual ones is that I’ve had crazy-strong cravings for foods that I really cannot stand (I mean, if I actually gave in, they’d make me throw up — I am that disgusted by them, so why am I craving them?!). I’m also constantly really hungry, no matter how much, how little, or what kinds of foods I eat.”
—Tammie, 51
18. “You go to bed totally normal and the next day you will wake up with five foot-long nose hairs that sprang from hell itself in your sleep. Pluck one, the rest unionize and torture you. I would like to point out that no female ever told me this would happen, and collectively as a society we ignore this issue. I have never seen a pink nose hair trimmer.”
—monkeybuttmom
19. “Being 43, I am currently in the throes of perimenopause. As with pregnancy, nothing anyone tells you can fully prepare you for the changes your body is going through, and how you’re going to feel, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I get hot flashes in my hands that literally makes them feel like they are on fire. My cholesterol rose 50 points since my annual physical last year, even though high cholesterol does not run in my family, nor have I made any significant diet or lifestyle changes. I’m exhausted during the day, but toss and turn at night, while also suffering from night sweats. My mood will sour in an instant for no discernible reason. Oh, and my face gets itchy out of no where, also for no reason. So there you have it, perimenopause is not fun!!”
20. “Vajay-jay dryness… literally, who knew this was a thing that would really, REALLY, really happen?!?!?!?!? Not only does it happen, it sneaks up on you. No warning. No symptoms. No signs. Just one day ‘poof’ gone!!!! And good luck getting a physician to explain what to do if it happens to you!”
—Lisa, 55
21. “Ugh. For me, it’s been the overly-emotional, cry at the drop of a hat stuff (thanks, hormones!). I am starting to get hot flashes, my insomnia is crazy, and I keep gaining weight, which is all stuff I can deal with. But I literally can cry over anything now. The news is almost a complete no-go for me because it just makes me cry. I’ve always been a pragmatic person and am really not much of a people person, but now I find myself swept up in emotions ALL THE TIME. I can read any article about any sort of world issue or disaster and get so choked up, I can’t continue. Anything and everything makes me cry for just about no reason. It’s so dumb.”
—Cathy, 43
22. “Being 39, I was not prepared at all two years ago when I started to have hot flashes. You THINK you know what they are? HA. You do not. I seriously thought I was having heat stroke with onset of the stomach flu, but neither panned out, so I just shook it off. Then it was happening more and more, so I told my mom and she said it was hot flashes. We all start menopause early in our family, so my time is here. And hot flashes SUCK. They truly feel like you’re being cooked from the inside out and nothing, I mean, NOTHING cools you down. You can try all you want, but you have to just grin and bear them until they’re over. Luckily, mine only last about 10 minutes, but it’s hell. Hormones and metabolism are also taking a violent turn. Being a woman is great… /sarcasm.”
23. “First and foremost, LACK OF SLEEP due to galactic hot flashes and insufferable insomnia. I have been in perimenopause for several years now and I can’t remember the last time I had a decent night’s sleep. As a C-suite executive and now a business owner, a systemic lack of sleep drastically affects my ability to function at my top performance. I was in no way prepared for this and I haven’t even officially started menopause yet. I was also not prepared with changes in my body, including weight gain and hair breakage. I used to have hair down to my waist and it stopped growing the minute I entered perimenopause. Dry itchy skin is another side effect I was not expecting. All in all it’s been a real shit show.”
—Kelly, 52
24. “I have had symptoms for the past 35 years, and the one medication that helps me my insurance coverage no longer pays for it. I suffer with hot flashes every day and night, feel tired all the time, and my skin is dry and aging quickly.”
—Lola, 79
25. “An internal ‘buzzing’ is the only way I can describe it. Feels like electricity all over. Hot flashes were the least of it but that’s all anyone talks about!”
26. “The most bothersome is my loss of libido. I have always enjoyed sex and have never had any issues with orgasms but since I turned 50 my interest in sex has almost disappeared and having an orgasm is hit or miss. It’s a real bummer because I’m already taking HRT.”
—Jen, 53
27. “I hit perimenopause last fall. I didn’t get ANY of the most common changes. No hot flashes, no loss of sex drive or dryness, no period changes, etc. What I got was a sex drive that went from nearly non-existent to 100,000% . One day, it was like a switch flipped. It sounds like a good time, and it’s had its advantages, but it’s generally made me absolutely miserable to be oversexed all the time. The doctors have been no help. Their own words, ‘If you had the opposite problem, we could fix that.’ So I’ve been told to ‘manage my own care’ through sex or masturbation. Yeah, that’s all good, but as a stay-at-home-mom to two kids home full-time, how in the hell am I supposed to do that when I need to? And when I can’t, I’m an unbearably angry frustrated gremlin. It’s not a common change, but it’s 2023 and we still don’t have appropriate care for perimenopause?”
—Aimee, 43
28. “Premature menopause here. The never ending sense of doom and constant anxiety were unbearable. Luckily HRT has improved thing’s significantly.”
29. “Ever since I experienced menopause, the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet get incredibly hot, especially at night. I’ve been known to get out of bed to walk on a cold floor, or grab hold of something metal just for relief. Every other part of my body can be at a fine temperature except those two areas. I don’t know anyone else who has this, but it’s super annoying.”
—Pauline, 63
30. “Welcome to the bearded lady club. Every morning is spent with multiple lighted magnifying mirrors looking for a new jet black beard hair that contrasts with your natural blond. Your people won’t tell you even if you try to recruit them to spot those things. Why the cruel joke, God? A beard and eyesight that is fading so you can’t fix it.”
—Elle, 59
