It’s insane how much time we invest worrying that our kids are having too much (or badly used) media time – at least when they’re already in their teens. There may be exceptions, but personally I’ve had this question in my head quite often.
What can be allowed and what not, which games, which apps, which passive, which active actions are ok, how not to lose control and much more. Luckily there are people like Leonie Lutz and Anika Osthoffwho bring light into this thicket. The two experts have just published their book “Accompany instead of forbid: Competent and safe as a family in the digital world”. We were allowed to interview the two of them.
Dear friends, I’m so happy that you wrote this book, because I wouldn’t dare to do something like that. Everything changes so rapidly on the internet that I always feel like I’m panting behind. Don’t you feel the same way as mothers?
We are particularly familiar with this when it comes to new trend topics that are spilling over from the Internet directly into schoolyards and, as it were, into the family as well. Then we also notice: Oops, that goes incredibly fast, when did that happen?
For example, the latest example is the Huggy Wuggy phenomenon. Appears as a creepy plush toy at all sorts of weekly markets, is taken to the daycare center, and re-enacted in the schoolyard, but few know the origin: Huggy Wuggy comes from the game Poppy Playtime, a horror game for older teenagers and adults, but not explicitly for children.
The figure has a fearsomely wide mouth with pointed shark teeth. In the game Huggy Wuggy chases the player, children sometimes become aware of Let’s Play videos on YouTube without age rating. This causes fears in many small kids, but parents often do not know the relation of the plush toy to the origin, because their digital world is of course very different from that of the children.
What I observe in my environment and also with my own children is that boys and girls often display very different media behavior. With us, the daughter uses it more as a communication medium and friend network, the boys use it more to play, gamble, watch videos or get creative and edit their own videos…
Yes, that’s actually a trend that shows in the studies. When it comes to WhatsApp use, girls and boys are almost the same, YouTube, on the other hand, plays a greater role for boys, also, of course, because Lets Play videos can be watched there. And online games, and therefore Discord and Twitch, are used more by boys than girls. The latter move more frequently on social networks such as Instagram or TikTok, but also on Pinterest to look for ideas there.
In your book you provide solutions on how dealing with media in the family can run free of conflicts. Now I’m curious: How can this work? For us it is a huge and often simply stressful issue.
There is not “this one thing” that we can do. It is a combination of many aspects. Protection settings are important on the one hand, as well as dialogue, knowledge and support from the parents on the other. This also includes understanding the children’s point of view and really understanding the fascination. Equally, however, as parents to know where we need rules.
We don’t believe in general bans or controls, both of which are not at all effective in the long term. This not only harbors conflicts, but also creates the potential in the family for children to do things in secret or no longer turn to their parents if something does happen. So we would like to approach the topic differently: First, by explaining to parents where the stumbling blocks are on the Internet and how children can be better protected, then you can relax sometimes. And furthermore, by making it clear why a joint exchange on digital topics is so important.
Our children are growing up in the middle of digitization. And 65 percent of today’s elementary school children will work in jobs that don’t even exist yet. So we advocate taking the path to digitality together as a family and have put together simple ideas that make this possible.
From your point of view as mothers – not as experts – do you know this permanent guilty conscience? That feeling, crap, you’ve been sitting in front of the devices for far too long again? What do you do about it? It doesn’t help anyone.
We know this well from various corona lockdowns and the endless days when schools were closed, but we parents still had to work. It helps and helped us to stick less meticulously to the recommendations and to look more closely at what the children are doing on the devices.
–
There are also really great and good children’s apps, for the younger ones, of course, the offers of the public service or the apps from Fox&Sheep from Berlin, but Fiete Children’s Zoo is also great, because the kids make a zoo there in a very similar way. So at home at the family table with pen, scissors and paper and the finished animals are then gradually loaded into the app, provided with noises and a digital work is created.
Anika’s children are no longer toddlers, so they built a zoo during the first Minecraft lockdown and researched which animal had which living conditions at the same time. There is something creative about all of this. And that’s how we should use digital media. This is a very important point, also to get rid of this bad conscience: We are not only consumers, we can also get creative with the devices. Our children should definitely learn that too!
It also helps to question exactly what you are actually afraid of and where the guilty conscience comes from. In the book we take on many beliefs and fears that make you feel bad and quickly realize that you don’t have to be so afraid and that bad conscience is allowed to take a break. Because if we parents know our way around, it strengthens our own competence and we no longer feel so powerless and anxious.
What media times per day do you think makes sense at what age, can you say that in general?
You can’t say in general, because even the official recommendations differ. Let’s look at the recommendations for toddlers: The WHO says no screen under a year and from two years no more than one hour a day.
Die BZgA says: no screen less than three and Klicksafe recommends a maximum of five minutes a day for children up to the age of three. And if we now bring these numbers into the families, it is almost impossible to use a screen time of five minutes sensibly. Even toddler series on ZDFchen usually last ten to 20 minutes. How frustrating would it be for the kids to watch the show in 5 minute increments? This is not livable, but causes frustration and conflicts.
We would therefore prefer to listen to our gut feeling and make individual decisions. Don’t get us wrong: It’s good and important that there are official recommendations. Small children in particular do not need screen time for their development, but closeness, movement, playing, building and so on. But if a 3-year-old watches or plays something for 20 minutes and that relieves the parents, for example, because they have a short break themselves, then that is not a permanent sprinkle and no reason to have a bad conscience.
Do you differentiate between passive consumption and creative digital work? I think it makes a difference whether the cell phone is used via app for a geo-caching afternoon outside in nature, for cutting videos and adding music is something different than lying around for hours and thinking about a TikTok video to catapult next…
Absolutely. You can do great things with children with digital media when it comes to creativity and design. We have a lot of tips in our book so that there is something for everyone. Parents and children can easily create podcasts or radio plays, make e-books themselves, program, animate gifs, shoot stop-motion videos, design timetables graphically, compose – there are lots of great things and wonderful apps to learn: Hey, the devices can do more than just watch or play! And this rethinking is needed so that our children learn how to use them in a playful way and gradually turn device competence into media competence.
What main risks do you see for children on the internet?
Cybergrooming, cyberbullying, fake news, pornography and scary phenomena like Momo or Teresa Fidalgo, Huggy Wuggy or TikTok challenges. There’s a lot that makes you think as a parent: Phew, I’d rather not know all that. But we still write about it. Only those who are familiar with all of these things know how they work, what mechanisms cybergrooming perpetrators use, how to unmask fake chain letters or which TikTok challenges are really dangerous. And with this knowledge, we can sensitize our children to the issues.
It makes a difference whether we have given a child knowledge about the Teresa Fidalgo chain letter, for example, and then at some point they get this message and delete it because they have the competence to recognize: That’s not true anyway. Or whether the child has never heard of it and is very afraid at first and actually doesn’t want to inform the parents, because otherwise they might take away the mobile phone.
First cell phone at what age?
You can’t determine that for everyone with a valid number. It is important that children have a certain reading competence when using a smartphone. For that reason alone, it makes little sense to buy a cell phone for the child in first or second grade. And then it depends primarily on when the parents are ready to accompany their child in using a smartphone, that is, to safely set the device and talk to the child about possible dangers.
Then it is rather irrelevant whether the child is now 10, 11 or 12. Many take the change to secondary school (mainly after class 4) as an opportunity. This is certainly not a bad time. But as I said: A child is ready for the first smartphone when the parents are prepared.
Where do you see the most curse, where the most blessing in digitization?
The dangers to which our children are exposed very early and in some cases massively are certainly one of the biggest problems of digitization. It’s also the case that you have to make sure that the digital doesn’t take up too much space and keeps children from experiences in the real world, with real friends, exercise and conversations. Despite all the positive digitality, as a teacher, Anika is also a big fan of leaving cell phones at home on school trips, because experience has shown that there are many more shared experiences that way.
For the “blessing” we two are a very good example. We met on social media and together we wrote books for teachers and parents on digital platforms. Digital platforms can also create connections with like-minded people who may not be found in their own environment. We come across other living environments, ways of thinking and perspectives, which is great and broadens one’s own horizon.
And to come back to the topic of school: Digital learning platforms make it possible to give children very specific individual feedback and to compile support material tailored to their strengths and weaknesses. A single teacher cannot do that. We just have to start using it in schools.
How do we manage to accompany the children through the digital jungle instead of constantly pronouncing bans?
Through good security, i.e. by knowing and using technical protection settings, knowledge about negative network phenomena, discussions at eye level, understanding of the digital world of children and clear agreements that everyone – including parents – keep. We are also role models here.
–
