“People try and try hard to avoid breaking up”

«Many people wonder why relationships don’t last like they used to. The answer is that traditionally marriage was lived differently than we do now, “he emphasizes. «Before, the maxim ‘until death do us part’, and that was a priority due to culture and social values, so that looking for, finding and maintaining a suitable partner to achieve a lasting relationship became life goal», Explains the therapist.

Until a few years ago, most people shared the same goal: “What mattered most was the idea of ​​a united family that would have financial support for the couple and their children.” But in a short time, different lifestyles have settled that they can be very different from one individual to another, and that ‘make it difficult’, so to speak, that certain people can unite their destinies. “Today not all of us understand life in the same way And getting a good relationship is not a main or general goal. There are those who consider a priority, for example, to find a good job, “argues María Ángeles Cuevas.

Then there is the current great dilemma: Children yes or children no? And an alternative not always shared: Pets? There is also the issue of where and how to live. Mortgage? Rental? Moving to a big city for work? Stay in the environment? And the point is that within a couple, sharing future plans (at least broadly) is essential. As if that were not enough, there are already those who prefer more open relationships. In short, at present there are so many options that forging a relationship is more difficult…, And of course keep it.

“Sometimes the philosophy of life, values ​​and character are so different from those of the other person that they prevent a relationship from taking shape. To this is added that every day we show ourselves more individualistic, more reluctant to communicate, less flexible and it is hard for us to bend over backwards », explains the therapist from Cáceres.

Of course, many couples are able to overcome differences with respect and with an attitude of listening and understanding. Hence, half of the population of Cáceres between the ages of 20 and 59 remains married or as a common-law partner. However, in these cases too the relationships have changed. “More than having a project for life, looking for pleasure, affection, happiness, love and love,” he highlights.

Even so, when things go wrong it is possible to straighten the course. Or at least try. Couples therapists like María Ángeles Cuevas dedicate themselves to it every day. «The experience that I observe in the consultation is that, when they come, they have already been trying to fix the situation for some time, they have suffered, they have gone through several attempts to solve, they make an effort and want to put themselves in the hands of a professional as a last trick, because They do not know how to manage problems of coexistence, communication, infidelity… ». And this is where the specialist begins to work with the three factors necessary for a relationship to be healthy: passion, intimacy and commitment. All three must feed, and also must keep a balance.

«The area of ​​passion is the erotic part, the attraction, the sexuality, the looks, the caresses, more intense at the beginning. There are many discrepancies in this regard because not everyone experiences affective-sexual relationships equally, nor does he have the same libido. This is one of the reasons that cause ruptures ”, reveals the professional.

Intimacy can be considered the essential factor that indicates the maturity of the couple, knowing the other and accepting them as they are. Here the main stumbling block comes from communication problems. “Arguing is normal, but for a relationship to survive it is essential to know how to manage conflicts, give in, dialogue, negotiate and reach a consensus. Influences the personality, the way of understanding life, the values ​​… ». But also, routine and stress can threaten the partner when that intimacy has been achieved and the relationship is more mature, more stable. “Sometimes we stop being surprised with each other, having fun with each other, and we have to share pleasant minutes,” recalls the specialist.

A shared course

Commitment is the third factor: trust, fidelity, a common life and partner project. “This is where these disparities can arise in the way of setting the course, in future plans, or when the couple is not at the same evolutionary moment.” In fact, the therapist emphasizes that incompatible plans and infidelities are other frequent reasons for bankruptcy between two people.

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