Nicole (49): “Sanderijn, you have already talked about male sexual problems, such as difficulty in getting or maintaining an erection. But my husband has another problem and that is that he comes too soon. ”
Sanderijn: “Emming too early is a common problem with men, Nicole. Your partner is not alone. When such a thing happens, how do you react? ”
Nicole: “At first I made it known that I didn’t mind, but lately I find it rather annoying, to be honest.”
Sanderijn: “Was there a moment when it didn’t bother him?”
Nicole: “Yes, at the beginning of our relationship there was nothing wrong with it. She often wanted sex and so did I. We liked them both then. Last year he lost his job and as a result became depressed for a while. Our relationship suffered and so did the sex. Instead of once a week, he hardly ever wanted to have sex again and withdrew. I still wanted, but I was always rejected. This led to quarrels and irritation. Two months ago he found a job and slowly he became the partner of the past. Our relationship began to improve and his sexual desire increased again. But since then he has come very quickly ”.
Sanderijn: “What exactly do you mean by ‘very fast’?”
Nicole: “Before it happened that it had already arrived when it was right inside me: just back and forth and then it was already time. Now sometimes it happens just before you walk into my house. Very annoying, because then he is very frustrated and I am still very excited. And then he doesn’t want to go any further “.
Sanderijn: “Emerging too early can have many different causes, but your partner’s depression and job loss played a role. It is often seen that men also have or have had erection problems, so that they cannot or cannot maintain an erection properly.
Nicole: “Exactly. It was like that, but not often enough that it became a problem. She is now starting to come back, because apparently she is afraid that it will be another failure if we make love. ”
Sanderijn: “It could very well be that it works like this for him. I would really like to talk to him to get a good look at why he has this problem now. Preferably with you too. But for now I want to do an exercise that can do ”.
Nicole: “I’d love to. I’m sure we’d like to see each other sometime. What kind of exercise is it? ”
Sanderijn: “He will practice recognizing the moment before he arrives. If she gets it right, she can learn how to postpone orgasm for a while. Arousal in a body goes in a wave motion. A little aroused at first, then the arousal builds up and can rise quite quickly to a short plateau phase, before the arousal turns into an orgasm. In that brief plateau phase he feels – and this applies to everyone – that a moment is coming when he can no longer stop. After that, orgasm follows quite automatically. It is important that you learn to distinguish these different phases in your body. She can do this when she makes love to you, but it’s best to practice when she masturbates. If she recognizes that moment just before orgasm, she can force herself to stop for a while. It helps if she thinks of other things that have nothing to do with sex: a math problem, a difficult puzzle, her agenda, or a cold shower. Then he notices that his arousal is lessening. Then it can continue, and so on. If she has learned this, she can also try it out during sex with you. So feel good how strong his arousal is, then stop for a while and look for the distraction, then continue again and so on. This way he can learn to postpone the moment of ejaculation, but it takes practice. ”
Nicole: “It sounds good. And I understand what you are saying, because I notice these different phases in me too. ”
Sanderijn: “After all, the important thing is that you support it. Even when things are not going well. Does it ever come too soon? Then it’s not the end of the world. Take a break together and then continue. He can then target you if he notices his erection has not returned yet. By focusing on you, your arousal and orgasm, he can definitely have fun again and who knows, he might get aroused again and want to continue.
Nicole: “It sounds good. I’ll tell him about it. And she’ll let you know if we still need your help. Then we come to you together and he can give his vision ”.
Sanderijn van der Doef is a psychologist and sexologist. She has written several educational books for children and works a lot with adults who have questions about sexuality. She believes that sex should be enjoyable and fun for anyone who wants it.
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