‘My daughter (17) keeps more and more things secret from me’ | Mom

“My daughter (17) keeps more and more things secret from me,” says Nienke. “We have a great relationship and our communication has always been okay, but I’ve noticed for about three-quarters of a year that she prefers to keep me out of her life completely.”

“I’m not allowed to know anything about her friends and the things she does with them, she doesn’t tell me about what it’s like at school and she doesn’t allow me to enter her room. When I promise she can be home late at night, she doesn’t tell me where she’s going. I find that difficult. I know she has a right to her privacy, but it’s not a nice feeling that I hardly know anything about her anymore. It feels like she’s drifting further and further away from me. Is that normal? Is it a phase?”

Right to privacy

“This mother actually already gives the answer herself,” says adolescent coach Janneke ter Bille. “Her daughter has a right to her privacy. And as difficult as that is, it is important that you as a mother do not keep pulling and do not keep searching for information. The more she does that, the more her daughter drifts away from her.”

Research

Research has shown that young people keep more and more secrets from their parents as they get older. To indicate that this is not necessarily a bad thing, the researchers from Utrecht University and Tilburg University cite an earlier analysis: ‘To become independent and autonomous from parents, young people set boundaries around the information they consider private. and which they don’t want to share with parents’.

Don’t pull but let go

That analysis is confirmed by adolescent coach Ter Bille: “The daughter of this reader is building a life. Her life. Her parents play a role in this, but no longer the role that her mother still wants to take. Realize that’s okay. This is part of it. If you can move from ‘pulling’ to ‘letting go’ as a mother, you will notice that this will have a positive effect on the parent-child relationship. Accept that the situation is as it is.”

Eisen

In the above-mentioned study, ‘Don’t tell anyone’, there is also a warning against ‘pulling’, as Ter Bille calls it. It is argued that parents are prone to thinking that their child “has no right” to keep things secret from them. “That is why parents are going to ask questions or demand that young people share information with them.” (…) “This can lead to conflict between parents and children and a poorer relationship quality.”

In conversation

Ter Bille therefore advises Nienke to have a quiet conversation with her daughter to indicate how she is doing. “You can indicate that you don’t like the feeling that you know almost nothing about her. Make it clear that you give your daughter her own life and that you will always be there for her when she needs it.”

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