New parents: How to maintain your love relationship
“How not to kill yourself when you are a parent” is the name of the book by family psychologist Nina Grimm.
© Nicole Tie Fotografie
If there is a baby in the house, everything focuses on the offspring. This is how new parents manage to maintain their romantic relationship.
When a couple becomes a family, a dream comes true for many people. But a baby in the house also means that time and energy are in short supply. Family psychologist and couples therapist Nina Grimm, who has now published her book “How not to kill yourself when you are parents” (GU), explains in an interview with the news agency how new parents manage not to lose each other as a couple during this time spot on news.
What is the most important thing in your book that you wish you had known before you and your husband became parents?
Nina Grimm: …that we are facing a really stressful time and that the fact that we are fighting over the forgotten milk does not mean that our relationship is bad. But that none of us have learned how long-term happiness actually works. But we can certainly learn together – if we want to.
Before the birth, very few couples probably think about the fact that their relationship could suffer as a result of being parents. What can help in preparation here?
Grimm: To face the only thing that is foreseeable: through children we will reach our limits. We will be stressed. These are new extreme situations. And in extreme situations, people behave differently. That’s why it’s important that future parents talk about how they deal with stress and how they can co-regulate each other – instead of kicking each other in the stomach when we’re already down.
Especially in the first few months after birth, the baby is in the foreground. Time and energy are in short supply. How do you ensure that you as a couple don’t lose each other during this time and that a crisis doesn’t arise?
Grimm: In which we (re)discover the miracle of small things and live consciously. Especially in the baby period, loving, appreciative interaction in everyday life is crucial: the unasked handing of wet wipes when changing a diaper, the self-picked meadow flower as a greeting, the smile when making first eye contact in the morning.
Your book says that a long-term happy relationship is “not a God-given product of chance that comes about through air and love. A good relationship takes work.” Are there any general tips on what good relationship management can look like? How much time should couples invest at least?
Grimm: It’s not so much about quantity, but more about quality. The most important ingredients so that even small, everyday encounters can become a nourishing oasis for the couple relationship are: appreciation, sincere interest and presence. It also helps if we create routines and rituals as a couple – kissing goodnight before falling asleep or watching the crime scene together with chocolate ice cream.
Due to the lack of time and energy that comes with being a parent, your sex life usually changes. How do you maintain physical closeness and tenderness as a couple?
Grimm: By removing the pressure to perform and putting the focus back on the encounter: Often your first inner reaction to his approach is “oh no…!” – because she’s already thinking about her unshaven legs and the fact that she has no desire for handjobs and blowjobs. But she misses the fact that she might even like his kiss on the neck. And so a potential, beautiful encounter falls apart. And that’s exactly what we need to experience more of again.
What are the first warning signs that there is a crisis in the relationship?
Grimm: When we no longer have positive encounters with each other in everyday life, but contact is limited to organizational matters. And/or when we increasingly see the negative things about him/her and start to distance ourselves internally.
It is said that a relationship is not at risk as long as a conflict is followed by five positive experiences. How important is it for couples to keep a close eye on their relationship accounts? What can these positive experiences look like?
Grimm: That is actually very central. A fight isn’t bad. As long as he nestles himself in five positive relationship experiences. What they look like varies from person to person. For some it may be physical caresses, for others it is more space and time for themselves.
They list ten mistakes that couples make. Which one do you encounter most often in your professional practice?
Grimm: Actually: everyone! But if I have to decide on the most central one, I would say: that one thinks the other person is the problem. And the claim is made that the other person simply has to change in order for a good relationship to become possible.
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2024-03-12 23:52:49
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