A friend who has owed you money for months, a partner who never pays for dinner, a child who takes all gifts for granted, in short: hassle about money. In this series we cover a new case every week. This time Lyda (52) from Purmerend, who does not dare to ask her daughter for board money.
“When my 23-year-old daughter was fired just before the first lockdown (she worked as a ground stewardess at Schiphol), she came to live with me again,” says Lyda, whose last name is known to the editors.
“I’ve been divorced for ten years and have lived alone ever since. I work in nursing myself and have a modest income, but I can manage my money well. I don’t mind living frugally.”
“Of course I took it for granted that she would temporarily return to the old nest. She was not entitled to benefits because she worked for an employment agency on the basis of a zero-hours contract. She could no longer pay the rent for her apartment in Amsterdam. It was impossible to find another job at that time. She didn’t have to pay them anything with me. I thought it was bad enough for her, because her job was her lust and her life.”
“In the months that she has an income again, she has not once suggested that she help pay the rent or the food.”
Lyda from Purmerend
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“Since this spring she has been back to work at Schiphol, albeit with a different airline and unfortunately again via an employment agency. I’m glad she can do what she likes again. I love her, but somehow I’m disappointed In the months that she has an income again, she has not once suggested that she help pay the rent or the food.”
“When she was hired, I told her in all honesty that I think it’s a good idea if she saves, so that she can immediately look again for a place of her own. It surprises me that she does not offer to contribute anything of her own accord. I didn’t raise her and she’s a sweet girl otherwise.”
“I notice that she is currently under a lot of stress at work. It’s been a lot of work. I don’t want it to get tense at home, but it gnaws at me. With the inflation, it has become a real challenge for me to make ends meet And I fear that now that she is receiving income, my health care allowance will plummet in a moment, because she is registered at my address. How do I go about this?”
Opposing expectations play a role
“Unconsciously we are guided by social expectations when it comes to money,” says financial psychologist Anne Abbenes. “Or rather: what we subconsciously think may be expected. The moment others in our environment do not meet expectations, it gives an uneasy feeling. You feel not seen and not heard by the other.”
“Actually, we expect someone to see this on their own and offer to contribute.”
Anne Abbenes, financial psychologist
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“Asking money from your child is extremely difficult, because conflicting expectations come into play. On the one hand, it doesn’t feel okay, because it doesn’t match the image of being a good mother. On the other hand, offering a contribution by you daughter a token of appreciation and understanding for the financial situation. We actually expect someone to see this on their own and offer to contribute.”
“There can be countless reasons why someone doesn’t do this on their own. The only way to find out is to start a conversation. Do it in a quiet moment. Be the first to let us know how important your band is to you. Don’t speak in expectations, but out of your own concerns about the financial situation. Let your own needs take center stage. As soon as it is discussed, you will automatically find the solutions together.”
