How a family lives together varies by country and culture, but the standard family of husband, wife, and children is no longer the norm. Living with several partners, adult children, grandchildren, adopted or fostered children, eight cats or three dogs: in this series we talk about our own family. This week: Evelien de Jong (49) lives in a residential group with seven roommates, is in a long-term relationship and has one child.
She and her boyfriend have an eight-year-old daughter, but on paper, she’s a single mother. Evelien de Jong lives with seven roommates near the Concertgebouw in Amsterdam. “It’s a left-wing, vegetarian living group with four men and four women. I’ve lived there for twenty years and I still really like it. We share the bathroom and kitchen and eat together. Once every eight weeks you do weekly shopping for eight people .”
Her boyfriend lives in another residential group, near ARTIS. The construction was born partly out of necessity because it is not easy to find a house, but the couple consciously choose not to live together.
It has been working for years, even with the daughter: “Dad and mom’s days are divided equally. We each have Vesper 2.5 days a week and on the weekend there are three of us together. We go on vacation together.”
At festivals and exhibitions, I looked around – is it him? I became obsessed.
Keeping your finances separate is nice
Breastfeeding with a baby has its benefits, says De Jong. “Well, the benefits, not the burdens. I’ve had a lifelong desire to have children, but I don’t see myself as a family manager. This goes on 24 hours a day and you don’t get paid for it. I think that’s the most underrated job there is I like to separate finances I work as an independent contractor and like to live on a small foot.
Sleeping alone from time to time is also wonderful, according to De Jong. Aside from the practical benefits, she likes to take a break from parenting every once in a while. “When my daughter sleeps at my boyfriend’s, I’m really free and I can do what I like without having to find a babysitter or look at the clock. Friday morning at 8:00 at a hot pilates class, a museum or a meeting with friends: I recommend it to everyone.”
Panic about the desire for children
De Jong works as a wish coach for children and lives a free life. Since the age of 36 she has been panicking about her desire to have children. “I loved thrills, adventures and celebrating freedom and until then I thought: love will come naturally. For ten years I was in love with a bad bartender, but I never met the father of my children. At festivals and at exhibitions I looked around: is it him? I became obsessed.”
I thought: either I ride my bike to the sperm bank by myself, or someone rides with me.
Visited a psychologist. “Psychological assistance for unfulfilled desire for children and relationship” was on the referral. The psychologist determined that I suffered from a fear of commitment. However free I lived, in the end I wanted what many people want: a child as the crowning glory of love.
Desire for children in addition to romance
Slowly, De Jong disconnected his desire for children from romance. “I started dating gay and registered with the sperm bank; I wanted a child in conscious co-parenting. This made me more relaxed: I no longer saw potential lovers as possible fathers because of their sperm. It was a decision aware that I wanted a child, whether or not I was in a relationship.”
When De Jong started fertility treatments in the hospital with donor help, she met her current boyfriend in North Brabant. “If I hadn’t worked so hard on myself, I would have overlooked him. He wasn’t the type to like me, but we really liked each other.”
At the sperm bank
She initially didn’t want any children, but De Jong likes her enough to build a relationship with him. “I thought: either I ride my bike alone to the sperm bank, or someone rides with me. After a while, I asked him about my inseminations. He supported my choice and one day he said to me: ‘If you get pregnant, you want me to adopt the baby in nine months.”
Since she didn’t treat him like a “potential dad”, the relationship developed well this time. After several failed inseminations, De Jong switched to IVF.
“We were a year later and I asked him if he wanted to join. I was 39 now and he said yes, he wanted a biological child with me. ‘If things go wrong between us, then we may as well get along,'” he said. he said, and that was the commitment I needed. We had a child together, even though we didn’t live together and had no intention of doing so.”
Staves with a child
De Jong injected maximum hormones, but only one egg was harvested. A small ray of hope that led to a pregnancy. “Thanks to that egg, my greatest wish has come true: to have a child.”
For now, De Jong, her boyfriend and their daughter will continue to skate. “Cohabiting in one of our cohabitation groups is not an option. I don’t rule out that we will never live together with our son, but at the moment we are all happy with our family situation”.
