Psychologist Thijs Launspach is a stress expert and author of the book Breeding pressure. He marvels at modern working and gives tips every week for more happiness and less stress at work. Today: mail rage
–
Just like that, on a Thursday afternoon I went from zero to a hundred in terms of anger, all because of an email of barely ten lines. I’ll spare you the content, but it had to do with questioning my work, combined with a sneaky, passive-aggressive tone – exactly the tone I can’t stand… The consequences are obvious: clenched fists, sputtering, steam from the ears. And the uncontrollable urge to tell the sender the truth, in a response in muscle language and with lots of #$@!
–
E-mail can be like a red rag to a bull, and that’s not surprising. Wherever you receive non-verbal information from the other person in a telephone conversation or a physical conversation (facial expression, tone or warmth of the voice), you have to do it in an email without that knowledge. So you will have to think of the context yourself, and that doesn’t always work out well. It is the reason that a neutral intended message can read as a declaration of war.
–
What is a businesslike, clear tone to the sender may feel curt and biting to the receiver
–
What is a businesslike, clear tone to the sender may feel curt and biting to the receiver. And for the same reason, humor, sarcasm, irony or ambiguous messages are sometimes misinterpreted. I learned the latter when I once said the phrase ‘Wow, what a stupid thing to say’ to a group of people. emailed. I meant that I had been stupid myself, but the recipient was furious because he thought he was being called an idiot…
–
If, like me, you are inclined to sometimes get angry because of such an email, then there are fortunately some things you can do to limit the damage. What I have learned – through trial and error:
–
1. Give yourself thirty minutes to cool down. Yes, I know, you’re eager to “share your thoughts” with the mailer right away, but it’s not a bad idea to give yourself some breathing room first. Drink a glass of water, go for a walk, punch a punching bag and don’t start until the acute anger has subsided on your response.
–
2. Keep it professional. Avoid expletives, capitalization, and personal attacks, no matter how tempting. None of these help, and what’s more: an email, once sent, can always be found. So always read your answer back before sending, and delete all conflict language.
3. Have someone else read your answer first. Ask the person the question ‘Is this possible?’ Really, this last one saves lives!
–
Thijs Launspach is a psychologist and stress expert. He wrote the books Fokking Druk (2018), Working with millennials (2019) and Werk kan uit (2020) about this.
–
