Parenting a child with autism can be a daunting task, especially when the child has oppositional behaviour and meltdowns that are affecting the daily routine of the family. This can be challenging for parents, and they may feel helpless and frustrated by a child who refuses to comply with even small requests. The child may be struggling with social interactions, but academically, they perform well, making it difficult for parents to understand what is happening.
One possibility that could explain this behaviour is Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). Although it is not yet an official diagnosis, PDA can be a useful way of understanding why some children find it hard to comply with the demands and pressures of everyday life. PDA children have a controlling personality, and they experience requests and demands as intense pressure that causes them great anxiety, leading to opposition and meltdowns when the pressure becomes too much.
Parents of PDA children need to adopt a positive, compassionate, and understanding stance towards their children. While oppositional behaviour can be disruptive to parents, they must understand that their child is not doing this to hurt them. Instead, their behaviour is fuelled by anxiety. It is crucial to adjust expectations, reflect on all the demands put on the child, and focus on only those that are most important.
One way to break the cycle of increasing demands is to pause, take a step back, and tune in to what the child is feeling. This way, parents can choose a more thoughtful, calm response, which in turn can reduce anxiety in the child.
Planning and thinking through how to make demands easier for a PDA child can also be helpful. Building good daily routines can sometimes help the child cope and reduce the stress of uncertainty or spontaneous requests. Paired with rewarding or relaxing activities, stressful tasks can become more manageable for the child. Parents can talk through demands with their child in advance and explore what could make them easier for them. Negotiating small goals and exit strategies can also help, such as trying for a few minutes and then leaving early.
Indirect approaches can also work to get a PDA child on board. Instead of insisting that the child get dressed now, say “your clothes are on the bed, and I’ve got some nice breakfast downstairs when you are ready”. Instead of insisting that homework start now, help the child choose a subject by saying “I see you have Maths and English, I wonder which one you are going to do first”. Alternatively, parents can decide that room tidying is not worth the battle and simply close the door as they walk by.
It is important not to escalate demands and force the issue, as this can intensify the child’s anxiety and lead to arguments. Instead, parents can try to find alternatives that work for everyone, such as the family who adjusted their weekend ritual to going for a family walk in nature and having a picnic and dividing up. For example, the mother would take the younger son to an extended family gathering in a restaurant while the father did something outdoors with the daughter. They also arranged for extended family to visit in smaller groups, which ensured their daughter still met extended family members in a less pressured way.
Parenting a child with PDA can be challenging, but there is a growing community of parents who are reaching out online for support and advice. The PDA Society (pdasociety.org.uk) is a great resource that parents could start with if they need further help and support. It is essential to remember that with patience and understanding, it is possible to support the autistic child with PDA and to improve family life.
