Ideally, the presence of a child becomes a sweetener in family life. But, what’s wrong if the situation is the other way around?
Mums Are Not Alone
Marriage is definitely not what it seems in advertisements or social media. Apart from the beautiful moments, there will also be lots of conflicts and it will take hard work to overcome them. What many people like to be surprised about, is the presence of a baby as a complement or sweetener to the family, in fact it can be one of the factors causing marital conflict.
Most research on marital satisfaction shows that partners, especially mothers, become less happy after becoming parents with relative levels and duration of unhappiness. Mothers find a lot of unpleasant things about partners during the first year of having children. It was largely triggered by extreme fatigue from taking care of the baby and household chores.
Yes, fatigue is a major culprit, at least that’s what research conducted in the last decade has shown. That new mothers are the category most vulnerable to decreased happiness in the household.
How come? Experts theorize that mothers tend to do more work, namely child care and household chores, than husbands. This heavy burden then makes the mother begin to feel that their relationship is no longer fair. Regardless of whether the mother works or stays at home, surveys show that mothers tend to take care of their children more than fathers. Sounds very familiar, huh.
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Don’t Just Be Silent, Let’s Do This!
Even though satisfaction with a relationship will decrease over time and become normal, that doesn’t mean it can’t be prevented or repaired. Experts such as psychotherapists and sociologists suggest that it is very necessary to maintain as positive a relationship as possible during the transition to parenthood.
Experts all say that taking a transparent and proactive approach to dividing household chores, including parenting, is the number one way to prevent the tantrums of new parenthood.
Some tips that can and should be done are:
Step one: throw away your preconceived notions of what a perfect mother is and be the mother you can be. This is important for every mother to do, because there are far more aggressive cultural expectations of what a good mother looks like.
Not only in Asia, in fact the majority in all cultures still believe that women do a better job of caring for babies than men, so that almost 80 percent of women face a lot of pressure to be perfect parents by other people’s standards.
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- Make a list of tasks, and divide them fairly with your husband
Although this sounds too often to be said, the practice is still often neglected. In fact, it is very important by nature to list all household duties including caring for children, and divide them as evenly as possible. Remember, get rid of the principle that those who work outside the home have the right to get a smaller portion to take care of the house and children.
As it has been proven, the one-sided arrangement of tasks in a household will sooner or later cause the most strife and will make Mums feel cornered. In essence, there is no other better way than dividing the tasks fairly and doing them well to overcome all potential problems.
- Entrust the task to the husband
After dividing the tasks fairly, now is the time for Mums to believe. Yes, entrust those tasks to your husband and let him do it his way. Very often conflicts even arise because the wife criticizes the husband’s way of working, especially in raising children.
As a result, the husband will feel constantly criticized, thus making the goal of sharing tasks not going well. Unless what your husband is doing endangers safety, you don’t need to always interfere. Let your husband learn how to handle household chores and parenting on his own terms.
- Redefine sex life
Having children inevitably requires Mums and Dads to rearrange the entire structure of life, and that includes sex life. In theory, it is safe to have sex six weeks postpartum. However, you are not necessarily ready for it physically or psychologically.
There will be many things that need to be adjusted, such as vaginal dryness due to decreased estrogen levels, difficulty adjusting the schedule together with the child’s bedtime, or fears that are affected by the birth process. Not surprisingly, in some married couples, it can even take up to a year to be ready to have penetrative sex. So, talk about this clearly with your partner so that your husband doesn’t feel rejected or ignored.
Honestly, all of the points above are not easy things to do and can be taken care of overnight. Choose a good time to talk about it with your husband, take a breath, and speak in a calm tone. Good luck, Mums! (IS)
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Also read: Viral infection is one of the triggers for the risk of diabetes in children
Reference:
New York Times. Fighting After Baby
Parents. How to Solve Marriage Issues
