Tears, tantrums and exhaustion: the holidays aren’t always fun for very sensitive children. Social science researcher Esther Bergsma explains why and makes suggestions. “Then it’s okay to do it.”
Inge van der Maarel (38) recognizes this like no other: Her children are tense and restless during the holidays. “There are so many stimuli, my children can therefore respond very expressively. Their bucket is already full before the day starts and someone just has to look at them and it all explodes.”
Restless and stomach ache
He has a daughter aged 7 and two sons aged 5 and 3. “During this time they sleep much more restlessly and have a lot of stomach pain. You can hear this from other children, who find it exciting, but you notice that they are much more sensitive to whatever the day brings.”
Inge’s children are not alone: according to social science researcher and author Esther Bergsma, 1 in 5 Dutch people is very sensitive. “That’s a lot of people, 3.5 million.”
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“No country to sail with”
Bergsma specializes in high sensitivity. He also sees that the holidays are especially challenging for the kids. “I often hear from parents that there is a lot of crying and fits of anger during this time. The children no longer like anything and there is no country to sail with them.”
“These anger and crying spells are expressions of overstimulation,” explains the researcher. “There’s a lot of stimulation these days. Think lots of sounds and babies together. And thoughts about: I’ve been good enough, will I get a gift?”
Little rest during the holidays
Highly sensitive children are not only sensitive to stimuli but also process them deeply, says Bergsma. “As a result, the same situation has a much greater impact on them and they experience stronger emotions.”
The fact that the holidays follow each other so quickly also plays a part, she says. “A special day is no problem if your child has enough time to relax afterwards. But with holidays, every day is full. And whenever your child gets a overload of stimuli and processing problems, but lack of rest time.”
In short: this is how your child enjoys the holidays too
- Make sure they get enough rest between the festivities, they won’t be thinking about it anytime soon, so remind them.
- Think mostly: What makes it doable and fun for everyone, instead of: What does society and my family expect from me?
- Don’t schedule too many visits, make sure there’s also time to hang out on the couch in your pajamas.
- When planning appointments, put your child’s best interests first.
- Talk to your kids so you know what’s going on inside them.
‘Remember: what is doable and fun?’
The researcher points out that not only very sensitive, but all children can be overstimulated. “But rest is essential for very sensitive children. They are very loyal and responsible and therefore not naturally inclined to take that rest for themselves. They are more concerned with: Is there anything else I can do? what else is expected of me?”
“As a parent, if you completely fill your days and expect your child to happily go anywhere with you, it’s not going to work,” she continues. “So instead of worrying about what society and your family expect of you, he thinks about what makes it achievable and fun?”
Your child’s interests come first
“So don’t plan 2 family visits in a row over Christmas, but visit 1 someone and enjoy the rest in your pajamas on the couch,” advises Bergsma. “And if you plan it like this first with your child’s interests, then it’s also much nicer days and you think, oh, holidays are fun.”
He also advises to guarantee sufficient moments of rest. “And then not on the phone, but really relax. And speak well of everything that goes through those heads. If you take that into account and do some good vacation planning, then that’s great.”
