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22:47
Updated 10:48 PM
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When the partner is cheating … Unfortunately, many of the letters that we receive every week also revolve around the difficult topic of infidelity. Sex counselor Jana Förster deals with this in this BZ column.
► A reader who wants to remain anonymous writes: “My problem is that my husband is having an affair with his secretary. I know them from company parties in the past and had suspected them for a long time. The last time my husband fell asleep, I scoured his iPhone and found clear messages from her on Whatsapp.
Obviously, both of them are only interested in sex. At least that’s how the news reads. She always writes about her family in the margin. And my husband from our two children and me. Still, of course, the whole thing hurts me. I am afraid of losing my husband. But I don’t want him to cheat on me either.
What shall I do now? Talk to him about it? I am really desperate. Because either way. There is no easy way out. If I don’t speak to him, I’m unhappy. If I ask him to end the affair, it might jeopardize our 12-year-old marriage. What should I do?”
►Sex counselor Jana Förster answers: “Your desperation is absolutely understandable. Not only have you found out that your husband is cheating on you, but you know the mistress personally.
In your case, the mistress is his secretary, which, unfortunately, is not uncommon. According to studies, every third affair begins in the workplace. Unfortunately, that also makes it a bit complicated, as your husband will be in contact with his secretary at work even after a possible conversation.
You had apparently had a suspicion for a long time, otherwise you would certainly not have looked into your husband’s cell phone. You write that one way or another you have a difficult path ahead of you and unfortunately I can only tell you the same thing. You will have to conduct the conversation with your husband because you have this knowledge of the affair and your partnership is already different from what you were before.
When you talk to your husband, I recommend that you think about what exactly you want to say to him beforehand. Try to avoid accusations as much as possible. Stick to the feelings that move you and find a moment when you as a couple can talk calmly and without the children.
Your husband will surely be shocked that he was blown. He may need a moment to have a quiet conversation with you. You seem certain that this doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage as you write that you don’t want to lose him.
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Perhaps this is an important message for your husband so that you as a couple can see how this could come about and how your partnership can continue. If the two of you are ready to analyze the reasons and come up with a solution, this can be a fresh start.
It will certainly take a while, and you will both be accompanied by many feelings, which can also become very uncomfortable. But challenges – especially in marriage – cannot be overcome without the important process behind them. If the reasons turn out to be deeper and you need support, couples therapy may help.
A central issue will certainly also be the trust that is now (at least) cracked. Here, too, it is important that you give each other time. It can take up to two years for trust to be fully restored after an affair is uncovered.
This is another reason why it is so important as a couple to research the causes and to change the foundations of your marriage in such a way that the new trust can be built on it. If the affair is simply hushed up, the fundamentals will not change and you may end up at the same point at some point.
The next time won’t be easy, but investing that time in marriage will pay off in the long run. Good luck.”
Three possible Causes of an affair
❶ Sexual Frustration: After a few years of relationship, many couples no longer care about their sexuality as a partner. Statistics show that – before an affair is started – the topic of sexual frustration has been raised by the partner several times. So please take it seriously if your partner makes any suggestions.
❷ Lack of attention: Many unfaithful partners emphasize that they embarked on an affair because they finally saw each other and felt wanted again. So let your partner know, even in long relationships, that you are there for him and that you desire him. Otherwise someone else might do it.
❸ Relationship problems: When relationship life is strained, some people look for an outdoor playground so they don’t have to deal with it. It is, so to speak, an escape from the responsibility of working on the problems. The concentration is then focused on a new, exciting person. And that feels better and easier than tackling relationship problems. In addition, you get a lot of confirmation in an affair, which is often missing in a relationship due to the lack of commitment in problem-solving.
Write your questions to the expert
Do you also have questions or need advice? Write your concerns – anonymously if you like – to Jana Förster.
By Mail: [email protected]
Per Post: Question time, editorial office BZ, Axel-Springer-Strasse 65, 10888 Berlin
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