The British series Sex Education, in which teenagers and adults deal with life not only sexually, opened the viewers’ eyes in many ways and broadened their horizons. Among other things, they learned that there is a type of relationship called ethical or consensual non-monogamy, where you can have relationships outside of your relationship with your partner’s consent.
Does that sound like infidelity? But it’s not. Does that sound tempting? It’s not that clear cut.
What is an ethical non-monogamous relationship?
So what does the term ethical non-monogamy (ENM) actually mean? Unlike covert cheating, which erodes trust in a relationship, in ethically non-monogamous relationships, everyone involved knows where they stand and how far they can go. According to relationship coach Jana Řehulková, the basis is always consensus, unequivocal and informed consent, communication, trust and respect of all parties involved.
The most common form is an open relationship. It is a relationship so strong that you can afford to invite other people into it. And with those to date, have a sexual relationship or an emotional connection. Ema Sikora, who leads a support group for people in ENM relationships at the Modern Love Institute, emphasizes that in an open partnership the primary couple is still the main one. “It’s definitely not an immature relationship where no one wants to commit to anything and flits from one to the other,” explains the therapist.
“Ethical non-monogamy includes various forms of non-monogamous relationships. This includes polyamory, open relationships and swing relationships, when couples exchange partners during sexual activities,” Řehulková lists.
Make yourself clear
According to therapist Emy Sikora, it is important for every ethically non-monogamous relationship to clarify whether it expects to respect a relational hierarchy, i.e. that a certain relationship is more important to you than another, and you decide to prioritize it. The primary relationship will then exceed the others in depth, duration, specific commitment or anything else. How each couple then decides how far they can go in further relationships is very individual. “Some will stick to dating and kissing, and some will go away with another partner for the weekend,” she clarifies.
Foto: Pixel-Shot, Shutterstock.com
The principle of ethical non-monogamy is the consent of all involved Photo: Pixel-Shot, Shutterstock.com
How to set up a non-monogamous relationship
Infidelity is an adrenaline rush for many, if only because it is kept secret. ENM relationships, on the other hand, require a proper dose of self-awareness, openness and mutual trust.
Be respectful: Open communication and agreement are the foundation of ethics, but how much couples will share is up to the individual. “Some people don’t want to hear about dating outside of a primary relationship, others deal with it a lot, it’s inspiring for them,” says Sikora.
Take stock regularly: This is a fairly fragile and dynamic type of relationship, so it’s important to regularly check in on how everyone involved is feeling. Ema Sikora recommends writing down the reasons why you are doing it at the beginning and the rules that you will keep coming back to and revising.
Be interested and inform: Be interested in what works for others, try relationship therapy, find yourself interesting podcasts on this topic. You probably won’t find inspiration in the area, and it doesn’t hurt to ask for advice.
Be ready for anything: Being in a serious relationship and being able to flirt, date and have sex outside of it is tempting, but it doesn’t have to last forever. People change and with them their wishes or (un)conscious needs. Respect everyone’s emotions and mental state and be ready for changes. “A relationship can open and close,” says Sikora.
What are the benefits and what to watch out for
Having high-quality, ethically non-monogamous relationships is not easy, but rather hard work. Why do couples usually go for it? According to Sikora, the reason is usually the fact that they do not believe that loyalty would ensure them a quality coexistence, they do not feel it is a value. When does caution pay off? “I would not recommend ethically non-monogamous cohabitation to anyone whose relationship is in crisis and under pressure. If you are dissatisfied in a primary relationship, fix it first, non-monogamy has no potential to save and fulfill unfulfilled needs,” warns Ema Sikora.
Jana Řehulková sees an advantage in the fact that the participants can not only explore their intimate desires and fulfill their sexual life in a rewarding way, but also get to know different forms of communication. “There can be many benefits, including a deeper understanding of one’s own needs, empowerment,” says the coach, but at the same time points out that it is necessary to perceive potential pitfalls. “Ethical non-monogamy can only be a positive and rewarding experience for those who choose it carefully and voluntarily.”
2024-01-20 04:03:55
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