Understanding and Overcoming Insecurity: A Guide to Authentic Living
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San Francisco-based psychotherapist Meg Josephson has observed a recurring pattern in her clients: a pervasive fear of disapproval, manifesting as a belief that others secretly harbor negative feelings toward them. This anxiety, often unfounded, can lead to a cycle of self-doubt and a desperate need for external validation.
The Insecurity Spiral and Its Roots
This feeling of impending disapproval can manifest in seemingly minor interactions.A friend’s message ending with a period instead of an exclamation point, a neighbor’s lack of greeting, or a request from a supervisor can all trigger an “insecurity spiral,” as Josephson describes it.These spirals often lead to immediate assumptions of negative judgment, such as anticipating being fired after a boss requests a meeting.
Josephson shared a video on social media stating, “You’re fine – they are not secretly angry with you,” which resonated with thousands, highlighting the widespread nature of these anxieties. Many commenters expressed experiencing similar torturous thought patterns.
This discomfort stems from a deeply ingrained survival mechanism. When faced with perceived danger, the nervous system typically responds with fight, flight, or freeze. However, some psychologists, including Josephson, propose that submissive behaviour functions as a fourth response to stress-a way to de-escalate potential threats. Psychologist Pete Walker, of Berkeley, California, coined the term “flattering” to describe this protective response, linking it to trauma and an extreme desire to please others (Post-traumatic stress complex).
Research into this behavior is ongoing. Nora Brier, an assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, notes its connection to interpersonal violence, dissociation, and a submissive response to conflict. While further research is needed to classify “flattering” as a core nervous system response alongside fight, flight, or freeze, Brier expressed enthusiasm for continued inquiry.
Josephson, who has amassed 337,000 Instagram followers, attributes this pattern to her own upbringing in a volatile home where she constantly sought to appease her father. she observes that individuals engaging in submissive behavior frequently enough rush to be helpful and agreeable, especially when they perceive a threat.
While accommodation can be a necessary survival tactic,both for physical safety and professional advancement,those consistently trapped in this pattern experience heightened vigilance and emotional monitoring of others,even in safe situations. As Josephson explains,”Our body thinks we are not [safe].”
Josephson’s new book, “Are you angry with me? How to stop focusing on what others think and start living for you,” aims to help individuals break free from this cycle of seeking external approval.
Three Strategies to Stop People-pleasing
Josephson outlines three key lessons from her book to help readers curb the impulse toward submissive behavior:
Challenge Your Assumptions
Instead of automatically assuming someone is upset with you, critically evaluate the situation. Ask yourself: Is this interpretation based on fact,or am I projecting my own anxieties? Is this person’s behavior unusual,or is it consistent with their typical dialog style? Could there be alternative explanations for their behavior,such as work stress or personal challenges?
Such as,if a friend doesn’t promptly respond to a message,resist the urge to assume you’ve said something wrong. Remember that they may simply be occupied, as Josephson recalls instances where friends later explained delays due to meetings or other commitments.
It’s significant to acknowledge that people will inevitably experience anger, but pausing to recognize your anxious mind’s tendency to distort reality is crucial.
Control Behavior Incrementally
For those accustomed to submissive behavior, setting boundaries and saying “no” can feel daunting. Josephson recommends starting with low-risk situations.
Become aware of phrases used to placate others, such as saying ”no problem” when something is genuinely problematic, or asking “is that okay with you?” when your own needs aren’t being met.
Instead of immediately dismissing someone’s apology with “no, it’s totally fine,” try responding with, “Thank you, I’m glad we’re talking about it.” And when someone assures you they aren’t angry, accept their statement without questioning their hidden motives. “Be comfortable with the discomfort to accept what people say by the nominal value without questioning what else they could be feeling secretly,” Josephson advises.
“If someone is being passive-aggressive in your communication and not bringing something directly to you, there is nothing to fix,” she writes. “You shouldn’t have to work to master telepathy.”
practise Honest Communication
Josephson argues that submissive behavior often stems from a fear of jeopardizing connection, leading to dishonesty. However, honest and clear communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, eliminating the need for guesswork.
Practice being more direct with someone you trust. Explain that you’re working on this skill and ask for their support. If you need to cancel plans, be truthful rather of fabricating an excuse to avoid upsetting the other person. “This practice may be uncomfortable in the short term, but it saves us a lot of energy in the long run,” josephson advises, “and strengthens the relationships we really value.”
The next time you feel the urge to adopt submissive behavior, Josephson suggests an “authenticity check”: Am I genuinely comfortable saying this, or am I simply trying to appease the other person?
“It’s not under your control to make someone else happy,” she says. “What is under your control is how you spend your time, your energy and your focus.”
Did You Know?
Research suggests that individuals with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) may experience feelings of rejection more intensely , perhaps contributing to heightened insecurity.
pro Tip:
start small. Practice asserting your needs in low-stakes situations to build confidence and gradually expand your comfort zone.
What strategies do you use to manage feelings of insecurity? How can you prioritize your own needs without feeling guilty?
| concept | Description |
|---|---|
| Insecurity Spiral | A cycle of self-doubt triggered by perceived negative cues from others. |
| Flattering (Submissive Behavior) | A protective response to stress, rooted in trauma, characterized by excessive people-pleasing. |
| Authenticity Check | A self-assessment to determine if communication aligns with genuine feelings and needs. |
The struggle with insecurity is a timeless human experience, deeply intertwined with our need for belonging and acceptance. While societal pressures and individual experiences contribute to these feelings, understanding the underlying mechanisms-such as the nervous system’s response to perceived threats-offers a pathway toward greater self-awareness and emotional resilience.The increasing focus on mental health and self-compassion in recent years reflects a growing recognition of the importance of addressing insecurity and fostering authentic connections.
Frequently Asked Questions About Insecurity
- What is insecurity? Insecurity is a lack of confidence, often accompanied by feelings of fear and uncertainty about one’s abilities and worth.
- What causes insecurity? Insecurity can stem from various factors, including childhood experiences, trauma, social comparison, and negative self-talk.
- Is it normal to feel insecure? Yes, experiencing insecurity is a common human emotion. Though, chronic or debilitating insecurity may warrant professional help.
- How can I overcome insecurity? Strategies include challenging negative thoughts, practicing self-compassion, setting boundaries, and seeking support from trusted individuals.
- What is the connection between insecurity and people-pleasing? People-pleasing is often a coping mechanism for insecurity, driven by a desire to gain approval and avoid rejection.
We hope this article has provided you with valuable insights into understanding and overcoming insecurity. Please share this article with anyone who might benefit from this information, and feel free to leave a comment below with your thoughts and experiences. Don’t forget to subscribe to our newsletter for more insightful content on mental health and well-being!
