Improv Lesson Reveals Surprising Key to Stronger Relationships
NEW YORK - A man’s unexpected experience in an improv comedy class sparked a viral discussion about the subtle ways we build – or dismantle – connection in our daily lives. Earl, whose last name was not provided in a recent Newsweek report, shared how a simple instruction – “But is a soft no” – resonated deeply, revealing a powerful parallel between improvisational techniques and healthy relationships.
The revelation came during an impromptu comedy workshop Earl attended simply for fun. He recounted being “caught off guard in the best way,” explaining the instructor’s words “felt like it hit me right in the chest.” The lesson centered around the contrasting approaches of “yes, and” versus “no, but” in scene building.
Earl illustrated the difference: responding with “but” effectively shuts down a conversation or idea. For example,to a partner’s announcement of “We finally bought a house together!” a “but” response – “Yes,but we’re selling it tomorrow” – “basically ghosted your own scene,” leaving no room for further development. Conversely, “yes, and” fosters connection and momentum. To the same announcement, “Yes, and I already built a secret panic room for when your mom visits” creates a new layer for exploration, humor, and deeper understanding.
The experience prompted Earl to reflect on how this principle mirrors psychologist John Gottman’s concept of “bids for connection” - the small, frequently enough unconscious attempts people make to engage with one another. According to the Gottman Institute, consistently turning toward these bids-acknowledging and responding positively-is crucial for building trust, intimacy, and a “shared meaning system” within a relationship. Ignoring or dismissing them, even subtly, can erode connection over time.
“I left feeling challenged but inspired,” Earl said. “it made me want to be more intentional about turning toward people in all areas of my life to build connection rather of accidentally creating distance.”
Improvisation, built on collaboration and trust, utilizes exercises like “yes, and” and “no, but” to train performers to actively listen and build upon each other’s ideas. While “but” is a valuable tool for writers to create conflict and drive narrative, the article notes, its use in interpersonal dialog can act as a “subtle roadblock to intimacy, growth, and even joy.”
The Newsweek piece quickly resonated online, with commenters sharing their own experiences. One user,Damian,called the observations “stunning musings-absolutely true,” while another,Jerry,revealed they had the word “YES” tattooed on their body as a constant reminder. Colleen pointed out the contrasting role of “but” in writing, and another commenter noted the exercise is used in leadership training to highlight its impact.
The article serves as a reminder that even seemingly minor communication choices can have a meaningful impact on the strength and quality of our relationships.
