The Ubiquity of Shame

Shame, a pervasive and often insidious emotion, profoundly impacts individuals, especially women.It operates subtly, influencing behavior and self-perception. This article explores the dynamics of shame, its connection to trauma, and pathways to healing, drawing insights from Annalie Howling’s book, Unapologetic: Unshackle Your Shame, Reclaim Your Power.

Defining and Understanding Shame

Howling defines shame as a felt sense that lies in wait for us in the shadows. Its power lies in its ability to convince us that our worth depends upon conforming to what others expect of us. this definition highlights shame’s manipulative nature, its ability to distort self-worth based on external expectations. Shame is a shapeshifter, adapting to various situations and exploiting vulnerabilities.

Shame and Trauma: A Tangled Web

Shame is frequently a byproduct of trauma. Howling shares her experiences of abuse,emphasizing the damaging message that she was at fault.This aligns with a common phenomenon therapists observe: shame convincing individuals that their trauma is insufficient or that they are somehow unworthy of help. This creates a cycle of self-blame and invalidation.

Shame as a Tool of Control

Historically, shame has been used to control and subjugate, particularly women. Howling illustrates this with a powerful metaphor:

To make a wild mustang tame, first you break them. The way to make a woman tame is to shame her.

Annalie Howling, unapologetic: Unshackle Your Shame, Reclaim Your Power, 2025, xi

This quote underscores the deliberate use of shame to suppress autonomy and enforce compliance. the consequences of this control manifest in various ways, impacting both physical and emotional well-being.

Beyond Flashbacks: The Discreet Impacts of Trauma

While Hollywood frequently enough portrays trauma through dramatic flashbacks and nightmares, the reality is far more nuanced. Howling emphasizes the less obvious effects, stating that trauma takes part of us, often in the most discreet of ways. These subtle impacts,particularly in cases of complex trauma,extend beyond the diagnostic criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD),affecting one’s sense of self and safety.

Competition Among Women: A Shame-Fueled Cycle

Howling addresses the often-unspoken issue of competition among women, arguing that it is frequently fueled by shame. She observes:

We claim to wish to fix each other’s crowns, and yet when we see a woman begin to rise, it is one of her kind, led by shame, who is first to tear her down.

Annalie Howling, Unapologetic: Unshackle Your Shame, Reclaim Your Power, 2025, pg. 195

She urges women to recognize that the fight is not with each other. it is with the systems that have told us we must compete. This viewpoint highlights the importance of solidarity and dismantling the structures that perpetuate scarcity and division.

EMDR and the Path to Healing

Unapologetic draws from concepts of eye movement reprocessing and desensitization (EMDR), a therapy frequently enough used to address trauma. Howling, a practitioner of EMDR, describes the process with sensitivity and insight.The book offers a valiant exploration of how women can identify their shame and the limiting beliefs it fosters.

A Manifesto for Self-Forgiveness

The book culminates in a ‘Manifesto,’ encouraging readers to offer a final apology to themselves for instances where they should not have apologized.This act of self-forgiveness is presented as a powerful step toward liberation and continued personal growth.