Sana Sheraz argues respecting elders can teach children to suppress feelings

A Summer Visit Upends Traditional Rules of Polite Deference

In a Business Insider column, writer Sana Sheraz argues that conventional lessons on respecting elders often teach children to suppress their own feelings and avoid speaking up for themselves. Sheraz writes that she is rethinking how she passes down traditional standards of politeness after noticing how compliance affected her daughter during a family visit.

The re-evaluation began during the summer when the author’s aunt, sister, and children stayed together for a few days, requiring widespread household compromises. Sheraz writes that her daughter gave up her privacy and shared a bedroom without complaint, an accommodation the mother initially viewed as a positive lesson in consideration and flexibility. However, the dynamics shifted when the visiting aunt repeatedly compared the author’s daughter to an older cousin who was four years her senior. Sheraz notes that her daughter grew progressively quieter with each comparison, following the traditional rule that children should listen quietly to adults without arguing or questioning them.

When Absolute Compliance Eclipses Emotional Well-Being

Sheraz states that she does not want her children to act rudely, show anger, or display disrespect toward older relatives. At the same time, she argues that a person’s age should not automatically make every comment acceptable or shield adults from accountability when their words cause emotional discomfort. The author points out that teaching children to compromise and keep the peace should not come at the direct expense of their personal boundaries and emotional well-being.

Modelling Direct Yet Calm Boundaries for the Next Generation

When the comparisons continued, Sheraz stepped in to address the situation directly by telling her aunt that comparing children of different ages was unfair. She delivered the correction calmly without raising her voice or attempting to make the relative feel bad, offering her daughter an encouraging smile afterward. Through this direct action, Sheraz writes that she wanted to demonstrate how a person can disagree without anger, state a perspective without judgment, and establish clear boundaries without resorting to hostility.

Redefining Respect Through Confidence and Kindness

Sheraz acknowledges that the experience served as a personal learning curve, noting that she failed to properly acknowledge the privacy sacrifices her daughter made during the family gathering. She subsequently apologized to her daughter for overlooking those efforts. The author concludes that raising respectful children does not require cultivating silence, but rather teaching the next generation how to voice their perspectives with confidence, kindness, and clear personal boundaries.