College Student Navigates Generous Father’s Wealth, Friendships

Generosity Raises Complex Questions for College Student

A college student, who grew up in poverty but now enjoys a privileged life thanks to her wealthy father, is grappling with how to help her struggling friends without altering their relationships.

The Dilemma of Giving Without Creating Imbalance

The student, who wishes to remain anonymous, shared her concerns with the advice column “Dear Prudence.” She wants to offer financial assistance to friends facing hardships like reduced financial aid due to unexpected costs, reminding her of her own past struggles. However, she fears creating a power dynamic or becoming perceived as a financial resource rather than a friend.

She detailed her internal conflict: “I don’t want to create a power imbalance. When people want to split the bill, I back down and split the bill because I don’t want anyone feeling indebted to me.” She also admitted, “I’m ashamed to admit that I’m scared of becoming less of a friend and more of a bank.”

Prudence’s Advice: Structured Giving

The advice column suggested a structured approach to giving. The recommendation was to earmark a specific amount of money annually for helping friends in genuine emergencies, distinguishing between necessities and casual expenses like dining out.

The suggestion: “I received some money from my father that I don’t need right now, and I would love to give it to you to help you get through this time. There are no strings attached, and we never have to discuss it again.” This strategy aims to provide support discreetly and prevent friendships from being transactional.

Beyond Friends: Extending Generosity to Charity

The advice also encouraged donating any unspent portion of the earmarked funds at year-end to charities assisting those with urgent needs, extending the spirit of generosity beyond one’s immediate circle.

Navigating Friendship Conflicts Amidst Travel Plans

In a separate query, a reader detailed a conflict with a friend, identified as **C**, whose wedding plans are jeopardizing a meticulously planned three-month trip to East Asia. The friend wants the group to cancel or absorb costs for her wedding, which falls during their travel dates.

The friends, including the letter writer, **A**, and **B**, have tried to resolve the issue, but discussions quickly escalate. The writer stated, “A and B feel we owe it to ourselves and C to have one more conversation to try and at least end on ‘agreeing to disagree’ terms. I don’t care anymore.”

Prudence advised against further conversations, noting that “agree to disagree” is inappropriate for concrete plans. The recommendation was to skip the discussion, acknowledging that **C** is unlikely to feel better regardless of the approach, as the friends still cannot attend the wedding.

Lipstick Stain Sparks Mistrust

A third letter writer, “Lipstick Lunacy,” described accidentally leaving a lipstick stain on her brother’s bed. Although she offered to clean it and explained the situation to her sister-in-law, the latter suspects her brother of infidelity.

Prudence responded with a touch of humor, stating, “Honestly, this story sounds so contrived, I almost think you’re trying to hide your brother’s affair from me!” The advice suggested that the writer’s role in the situation is complete, and if the sister-in-law mistrusts her husband, it may stem from pre-existing issues or her own insecurities.

Societal Shifts in Gift-Giving Expectations

The complexities of wealth and generosity among friends are increasingly discussed. For instance, a 2023 report by Fidelity Charitable found that donors aged 18-34 are more likely than older generations to support causes aligned with their personal values and social justice issues, indicating a growing trend in philanthropic intent among younger demographics (Fidelity Charitable 2023 Giving Trends Report).