Dear Eric: My mom is planning our dad’s 90th birthday party. My adult children and their adult children are super-excited.
Unfortunately, I found out that my mom will not be inviting my stepdaughters’ families. I have been married to their father for more than 23 years.
My mom said it’s just too much for our dad to have the extra daughters and their families.
She says we’re family, but I guess not. I just don’t know if I can attend knowing that
The kids will all be very hurt, as they think of my mom and dad as grandparents.
There’s time for me to figure this out as I haven’t said anything to the stepdaughters. But I’m so disappointed and have to decide if I’ll attend or not.
– Split Family
Dear Family: This is unfair, but I don’t think you should let it prevent you from going to the party.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime celebration for your father, and you’d be sorry you missed it. Plus, your presence will be meaningful to him, which is the most important thing.
You should, however, circle back with your mother to get more information about her decision.
Planning a party is a taxing affair for someone of any age, so see if there are ways that you can lighten her load or help her think through space or food or costs. It’s possible that she is thinking less about emotional bonds and more about logistics.
If she’s set on it, however, you can also have your own little get-together with your stepdaughters and their families and your dad. Better to overcelebrate than undercelebrate.
Dear Eric: I am a middle-aged woman, who, for most of her life was the center of the social scene. I entertained in my home, organized outings and helped my friends out whenever I could.
A lot of this was not reciprocated, but I was fine with it, because I enjoyed it, and deep down, I always suspected that if I did not make the fun, the fun would not come to me.
I kept this up long after I felt like doing it, but for the past couple of years, illness has kept me from organizing and participating in activities I used to enjoy.
And I was right. No one thinks to include me very often anymore.
I can’t blame them – I’m ashamed to admit that I have dropped friends, too, when they could no longer keep up with me. And I’m mostly OK with not being included, anyway. I’m good at entertaining myself.
Here’s my problem: The people in the group I used to hang out with tend to discuss their plans for fun when I’m right there in the room. I try to leave when I can, but it’s not always possible.
It is a sad reminder of how much of myself I’ve lost and how many people I’ve lost to my illness. This is not their fault, but I also think they’re being inconsiderate. I was taught not to discuss any events other people weren’t included in in front of them.
Am I just being too thin-skinned? If so, what can I do to toughen myself up? I am already in therapy to deal with my grief over my losses, but it doesn’t help on days I’m feeling especially vulnerable.
– Want to Be Included
Dear Included: Your skin is just fine. As hard or perhaps awkward as it may initially feel to ask for what you need, I’d encourage you to do it.
Sometimes, yes, we can feel hurt in situations where we just need to change our perspective or, as you wrote, toughen up. But at other times, it’s helpful to say to friends, “Hey, my skin is a little thinner here. Handle with care.”
In your case, that might mean having one-on-one conversations with a few friends wherein you acknowledge the ways your capacity has changed and ask them to invite you to things they think you might enjoy.
The curse of the social butterfly is that people assume you can always take flight without assistance. And so, they also assume if you’re not joining in an activity, it’s because you’re off doing something else or you don’t want to. This can be painful because it feels like being forgotten. But I’d encourage you to reframe it if you can.
It’s healthy that you’re working on accepting the ways your life has changed, but if your friends are still discussing their plans in front of you, they can be nudged to think more creatively about those plans so that everyone can be involved.
Talking one-on-one, as well as using concrete examples, can help get your friends thinking in different ways about how to show up for you.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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