What Porn, Affairs, and Early Romance Reveal About Desire

“I feel like I’m watching too much porn,” “We want our sex life to feel like it did when we frist met,” or “I’m having an affair and I know it’s wrong but don’t want to end it” are comments I hear fairly regularly in my therapy room. For so many people, lust shows up faster in these situations, and it can feel more primal. Why? Because there’s uncertainty, exposure, and vulnerability in all of these experiences — emotions that can be diminished by safety and trust. Simply put, desire wakes up when there’s risk involved.

That’s why it’s easier to feel excited in a new relationship: The relationship is unpredictable, which creates a sense of vulnerability and sparks excitement, which in turn allows for more vulnerability and even more excitement. It’s a powerful,intoxicating feedback loop. At least,for a while.

Regrettably, the opposite cycle is also true. In long-term love, we usually work hard to make everything feel safer and more predictable. Unfortunatly,this comfortable emotional state can make it harder to create the sense of risk and vulnerability that feeds passion. When lovers know each other well, and trust their partner, and they’ve enjoyed all the creative sexual experiences they are willing to try, then the risk is gone. They feel less vulnerable, and thus less lustful. When they are less lustful, and less willing to be vulnerable, sexual touch feels intrusive and leads to more closure, which makes passion that much more elusive.Particularly for women (see my blog post for more on this), vulnerability helps unlock passion, but passion is also necessary to unlock vulnerability. But again,allowing for t