Couples Can Move Beyond “I’m Sorry” With Focused Relational Repair
New research highlights a three-step process for couples to effectively navigate conflict and strengthen their bond, moving beyond simple apologies to genuine relational repair. Acknowledging harm, taking accountability, and committing to future behavioral changes are crucial elements frequently enough missing from typical conflict resolution, experts say.
Simply saying “I’m sorry” frequently falls short because it lacks the depth needed to address the underlying issues driving negative interaction cycles.Effective relational repair requires a more nuanced approach, beginning with acknowledging the partner’s feelings and the impact of one’s actions.
A triumphant repair attempt, as illustrated in a recent example, might sound like this: “I’m sorry I snapped at you and raised my voice when you asked about the trip. I totally get why that hurt your feelings when you were just bringing it up because you’re excited. I’m excited too and can see why my reaction made you think that I’m not. So, again, I’m really sorry. I’m stressed trying to get everything finished up and directed my stress at you and that’s not fair. Next time, I’ll do a better job communicating how I’m feeling ahead of time so we can talk about it and not take my stress out on you.”
This example demonstrates the three key components: acknowledging the hurt caused,taking obligation for the behavior,and outlining a commitment to change.When both partners consistently practice these steps, it fosters “mutual repair cycles” where both individuals contribute to conflict resolution and growth.
Though, certain phrases can undermine even the most well-intentioned repair attempts. Experts caution against following an apology with “but,” as it negates the sincerity of the preceding statement. Similarly, explaining, defending, or making excuses shifts the focus away from the impact of the behavior and onto justification.
The phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” is also discouraged. While seemingly empathetic, it lacks self-reflection and fails to acknowledge the role one’s actions played in causing the hurt. This statement focuses on the partner’s feelings rather than taking accountability for why those feelings arose.
By focusing on perspective-taking, accountability, and a commitment to future change, couples can transform apologies into genuine repairs and build stronger, more resilient relationships.
