Témoignage

The decision to reclaim a night for themselves, a Valentine’s Day dinner, brought Sarah to tears – not of joy, but of guilt as she watched her children plead with her to stay. The French mother of two recounted the experience, a common struggle for parents navigating the demands of early parenthood, in a recent personal reflection that has sparked wider discussion about the importance of maintaining a couple’s identity after having children.

For nearly a year after the birth of her second child, Sarah described feeling defined solely by her role as a mother, losing touch with her identity as a woman and partner. Conversations with her husband revolved around diapers and daycare schedules, eclipsing any discussion of their own needs and desires. This experience, she found, was not unique. Studies suggest that approximately 20% of mothers report considering separation after the arrival of a baby, with 66% experiencing what are termed “baby clashes” – significant conflicts arising from the stresses of new parenthood.

The evening of the planned date, Sarah found herself paralyzed by anxiety as her youngest son clung to her leg and her daughter begged her not to leave. “My 2-year-old was screaming, holding onto my leg as I position my coat on. I was heartbroken, I wanted to cancel everything,” she recalled. Her husband, recognizing the strain, gently encouraged her to head. She admitted to crying during the drive, but a text message from her mother, who was watching the children, showing her youngest son happily eating pasta just minutes after her departure, offered a turning point.

The experience prompted Sarah to prioritize regular couple time. She now prepares her children for her absences, clearly explaining where she is going and when she will return. She ensures a comforting object, like a favorite blanket, is readily available and leaves her children in the care of a trusted caregiver. Crucially, she has stopped checking in constantly, trusting that the caregiver will contact her if any serious issues arise – a fever exceeding 38.5°C or a significant injury being the exceptions. This approach, she believes, allows her children to learn that her departures are temporary.

Relationship therapists emphasize that a crisis following the birth of a child is almost inevitable, but that the couple’s relationship existed prior to parenthood and should remain a foundational element of their lives. They recommend dedicating at least five hours a week to focused couple time to nurture their connection. Clinical psychologists often reference the work of pediatrician Donald Winnicott and his concept of the “good enough mother” – a caregiver who provides strong affection but as well recognizes the importance of creating space for her own well-being.

The anxiety of separation, typically emerging between eight and twelve months and potentially lasting until eighteen months, is considered a normal developmental stage. In the vast majority of cases – 95% – protest cries subside within 10 to 15 minutes when a trusted adult provides comfort. Sarah’s experience, and her subsequent commitment to prioritizing her relationship, highlights the delicate balance parents often navigate between meeting the needs of their children and preserving their own identities and connection as a couple.