Is Unconditional Love a Realistic Foundation for Romance? Experts Say Ambivalence is normal, But Boundaries are key.
New York, NY – The pursuit of “happily ever after” frequently enough hinges on the idea of unconditional love, but relationship experts are increasingly suggesting that complete and unwavering acceptance may not be a realistic - or even healthy – foundation for lasting romance. A recent Vox article explores the complexities of “romantic ambivalence,” the simultaneous experience of positive and negative feelings toward a partner, and how navigating these feelings can either strengthen or ultimately unravel a relationship.
The article highlights research indicating that ambivalence is a common experience, even in seemingly accomplished partnerships. Psychologist Chloe Faure suggests that actively focusing on positive memories - early dates, shared jokes, vacations - can help couples move forward and foster forgiveness during difficult times. She emphasizes the importance of “positive biases” and continued investment, even when facing challenges.
However, the piece cautions against blaming ambivalence on a partner. instead, individuals should examine their own contributions to relationship dynamics, including moments of withdrawal or criticism. The article stresses the importance of communicating needs positively, offering the example of requesting shared activities (“I really missed how in the early months of our relationship we would always have a show we were watching together. Can we be a little more intentional about watching somthing?”) rather than making accusatory statements (“You don’t ever spend time with me.”).
Research cited in the article, published in PMC, demonstrates that simply acknowledging less-than-positive emotions toward a partner can lead to better emotional regulation, more constructive conversations, and increased relational satisfaction.
The article illustrates the potential pitfalls of unresolved ambivalence through the story of Leigh and Thomas. Despite a growing connection, Thomas’s inconsistent behavior – including abruptly reversing course on a cohabitation agreement after Leigh had already moved in – ultimately led to the couple’s separation. Leigh’s experience underscores the importance of boundaries and the difficulty of rebuilding trust after repeated emotional reversals.
While romantic ambivalence is presented as a normal part of relationships, the article suggests that consistent instability can be detrimental. The question remains,as Leigh poignantly asks,”This time,where do I rebuild from here?” – a sentiment that highlights the need for self-preservation and a clear understanding of what constitutes a healthy and sustainable partnership.