Consultant

He put me in his will so that the house would go to me in the event of his death. I would be responsible for paying for the house and any extra money would go to his brother. I’m not on the deed to the house. Would that make things complicated if he succeeded?

He was considering refinancing once his income increased, but now with interest rates so high, I don’t think that will happen. I have three children that I pay for, so I need to make sure I protect myself.

Can you advise me please?

Mother, ex-wife and girlfriend

Dear me,

Get in on the act. Failing that…

The owner benefits from being a co-signer. This is a one-way street. Or, given that it looks like her brother will also be named in her will, it’s a three way. So you’re responsible for his mortgage, and his brother gets 30 or 50 percent of the house? Your boyfriend holds all the cards. With you as a co-signer, he buys a house and, presumably, gets a better interest rate. What do you get out of it? This is a question you need to answer. This may prevent you from putting other people’s wishes ahead of your own in the future.

Your boyfriend’s brother made a smart decision. This is one of those times where I wish the question was, “Should I co-sign my boyfriend’s mortgage?” My answer would have been no, but that’s a moot point now. Best case scenario: Your boyfriend continues to pay off his loan and, over time, can refinance it to a lower rate when rates eventually drop. You can then ask them to remove you from the loan. I don’t recommend co-signing a loan without being on the deed – you take on the responsibility of repaying the loan without any ownership rights.

Parents sometimes do this for their children, usually because of their higher income and credit score. But if your relationship with your boyfriend deteriorates or he goes through a difficult time, you could end up having to pay the monthly payments, including insurance and maintenance. If this happened, what would you do? Paying off a loan on a house that belongs to someone else for the next 30 years? Or let the house go into foreclosure and suffer the impact on your credit score, assuming there will be enough equity to pay off the loan?

There are times I have said yes to people co-signing loans. Last summer, this woman wrote to me asking if she should co-sign an $11,000 student loan for her sister. But I said yes because they both took care of their mother before she died of cancer, and that experience led her sister to become a nurse. I said yes because there was a 10 year age difference, and because she considered herself a “second mother” to her younger brother, and because ultimately she was rewarding her sister for her commitment and work ethic, allowing her to cross the finish line.

Your boyfriend can change his will unilaterally. You can’t do the same thing with this loan. You didn’t want to remarry because you were – I presume – reluctant to merge your finances with another man, especially after being stung by your divorce. Ironically, it probably would have made more sense to marry this man before co-signing his mortgage; if he had purchased the house while you were married, it likely would have been considered community or marital property. As it stands, the house belongs solely to your boyfriend of 14 years.

If someone has financial problems and needs to repay their debts, a bank will refuse to lend them money because they consider them to be too high a risk. There’s a reason your boyfriend struggled financially, but it’s now become your concern — because, as we’ve been told repeatedly, the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. So the best advice I have for you? Hang in there and support him in any way you can. At the first available opportunity, encourage them to refinance and assure them that you will be there to provide moral support.

The other part of this equation is you. You have just been released from your 15-year financial obligation to your ex-husband. What made you take on another financial obligation with your boyfriend? It’s not your job to save people. It’s not your job to prove your love by co-signing a mortgage. It’s not your job to show that you are a good person or a kind person by acquiescing to your boyfriend’s request. You can say no and still be a good partner. You can always say no, look in the mirror and be proud of what you see. It’s okay to put your needs first.

You can email The Moneyist with financial and ethics questions at qfottrell@CNET.com and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.

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The Moneyist regrets not being able to answer the questions individually.

Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:

I’m 35 and don’t have a mortgage. My boyfriend, 55, wants me to move into his house and help him pay off his mortgage. What should I do?

My mother is the guarantor of my brother’s mortgage and uses her house as collateral. What happens if she dies?

“I’m living in a silent divorce”: I want a “kitchen table” separation from my husband, without a lawyer. Is it a good idea?