Narcissistic Parents Leave Lasting Scars

Expert reveals signs of emotional damage.

The term “narcissist” is commonly used online to describe toxic behaviors, particularly in romantic relationships. However, another relationship, between parent and child, is often impacted by narcissism, shaping family dynamics and affecting a child’s long-term well-being.

Understanding Narcissism

According to clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, narcissism is “a personality style or pattern” marked by traits like inflated self-importance, a need for admiration, entitlement, lack of empathy, selfishness, and arrogance.

While most people show some narcissistic traits, a true narcissist consistently displays these behaviors, leading to problems for themselves and others, including manipulation and gaslighting.

Is it Narcissism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

It’s important to distinguish between general narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Durvasula clarifies that calling someone narcissistic is not a formal diagnosis, but rather an observation about their personality. NPD, as defined in the DSM-5, involves a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, significantly impacting various life areas.

A formal evaluation by a mental health professional is required for an NPD diagnosis. Many individuals meeting the criteria may remain undiagnosed because they do not seek therapy or recognize their traits as problematic. Research indicates that NPD affects 1–6% of the population, but the number of people exhibiting narcissistic traits is likely higher.

Key Characteristics of Narcissistic Parents

Narcissistic parents often view their children as extensions of themselves, threatening the child’s independence and using control and manipulation to maintain dominance. This can lead to neglected needs and emotions. Common traits include using children for validation, prioritizing their own needs, having unreasonable expectations, and lacking understanding of children’s feelings.

Other characteristics include obsession with appearance, disrespect for boundaries, and conditional love based on performance. These parents use enmeshment, conveying that children cannot be separate. They often prioritize their own happiness, making children responsible for it.

The Long-Term Impact

Growing up with a narcissistic parent affects a person’s development, mental health, and behavior. To maintain attachment, children learn to modify themselves, which can impact their self-esteem. In fact, a 2019 study published in the *Journal of Child and Family Studies* found that children raised by narcissistic parents often experience higher levels of anxiety and depression in adulthood (Journal of Child and Family Studies, 2019).

Durvasula notes that “the child doesn’t have options. They have to attach to their parents for survival… This is also who feeds them and houses them… and who is meant to make them feel emotionally safe.”

The Number One Sign: Feeling “Not Enough”

According to Durvasula, the primary sign of being raised by a narcissist is a chronic feeling of inadequacy. “I haven’t done enough. I didn’t try hard enough. I didn’t give enough… That’s the guiding construct in their life.” Although other factors can cause similar feelings, children of narcissistic parents often believe there is always something more they can do to be worthy.

This can manifest as perfectionism, self-doubt, shame, and imposter syndrome in adulthood. Individuals may struggle with boundaries and become people-pleasers, conditioned to sacrifice themselves. Difficulty expressing needs and aspirations is another sign, stemming from feeling ungrateful or selfish. Inconsistent reactions from the parent can lead to anxiety and fear of speaking up.

Steps to Take If You Suspect Parental Narcissism

Seeking professional help from a mental health expert is crucial. The initial step involves acknowledging the parent’s behavior and its impact. Durvasula advises, “What they did wasn’t OK, and it hurt you.” Even if the parent had a difficult past, their actions were still harmful.

Healing may involve therapy, support groups, and lifestyle changes. There is no one-size-fits-all approach. Some may limit contact, while others develop coping strategies, setting realistic expectations, recognizing limitations, and controlling reactions.

Durvasula suggests using “narcissist bingo,” creating a list of common behaviors and disengaging after a certain number are met. Self-care and nurturing the inner child are also important.