Mistakes Aren’t the Problem—Your Response Is Key
If you’re terrified of making mistakes, you’re likely a perfectionist. While many accept mistakes as a key part of growth,perfectionists tend to form a deep sense of meaning around them,which may or may not be true. For example, if I make a mistake on a test, that must meen I’m not brilliant. Or, if I have a bad game, that must mean I’ll never become a great basketball player. In perfectionism, mistakes speak to one’s essence (which is overgeneralized), revealing how flawed or rotten it is.
Fundamentally, then, it feels as though one is either great or isn’t. So, the great ones make no mistakes while the ordinary ones always do.This mentality is a form of black-and-white thinking. It may be true that those who are more naturally adept make fewer mistakes and may learn a skill more quickly than their peers. But most of us can handle that. Perfectionists, though, equate greatness with life-satisfaction — a fix for all of their problems. A perfectionist may say, “If I’m great, people will like me. I’ll finaly fall in love and be happy.” Often, behind it is a deep interpersonal loneliness or sense of emptiness, accompanied by the belief that people are only attracted to those who truly matter, to greatness, which perpetuates a drive that periodically fills the hole.
Mistakes, then, serve as reminders of how distant that vision is. Many of our perfectionist patients speak of life as though much of it resembles a high school hierarchy, with the great ones always perched on top. Character is hardly considered when ruminating over why they aren’t well-liked. Some think happiness lies in beauty, others say in athletic achievement, and there are those who believe it stems from brilliance. While there’s some truth to this, as these individuals tend to swallow up most of the available attention,all they really have is some limited form or degree of influence.
But influence can’t permanently silence your inner chatter, which lives as long as there’s any degree of self-doubt, nor does it always, or even often, win people over.At bottom, perfectionism is a fixation on acquiring more power, over oneself and others; it’s hardly associated with anything resembling rapport. If one is perfect, it’s believed, one earns everyone’s respect, silences their criticism, and avoids the pain of rejection.