## 2 Things You Shouldn’t Tell Your Partner, According To A Psychologist
Many believe offering direct feedback is the key to a healthy relationship, but a psychologist would argue that *how* you deliver that feedback is crucial. Simply stating what you perceive as flaws or undesirable behaviors can often backfire, leading to defensiveness and decreased relationship satisfaction.
A study published in *Behavior Therapy* in 2015 (https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2015.10.007) explored how partners perceive criticism, finding that the framing of feedback significantly impacts its reception. the research indicated that when individuals perceive comments as antagonistic, they report lower relationship satisfaction and diminished overall well-being. conversely, constructive feedback is linked to stronger, more stable relationships.The study pinpointed emotional regulation as a key factor in these differing perceptions.Individuals who tend to suppress their emotions – holding back frustration or masking irritation – are more likely to be perceived as critical or hostile, even unintentionally.Those who practice cognitive reappraisal – reframing their thoughts before speaking - are better equipped to deliver genuinely supportive feedback.
This highlights two specific types of statements best avoided: accusatory “you always/never” statements and unsolicited critiques delivered from a place of irritation. For example, telling your partner “You always waste money on things you don’t need,” or ”You really shouldn’t eat that, it’s so unhealthy,” is likely to be interpreted as an attack, rather than helpful insight.
Ultimately,the motivation behind your words matters. If you find yourself wanting to be “right” rather than genuinely wanting to help, it’s frequently enough kinder – and more productive - to remain silent. While constructive feedback can improve well-being and strengthen the relationship, unconstructive criticism can have the opposite effect. Choosing silence when you lack the capacity for constructive interaction is a kindness, prioritizing the relationship over the fleeting satisfaction of being “honest.”
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