Navigating Disclosure: Sharing Partner’s Mental Health Struggles

Experts weigh in on protecting privacy versus seeking support.

Balancing a partner’s privacy with your own need for support is a delicate act, especially when mental health issues are involved. When dating someone for a relatively short time, how much should you reveal to friends, and how do you ask your partner what’s OK to share?

The Dilemma

The advice seeker, currently dating B, has been struggling with how much to tell their friends about B’s depressive episode. While wanting to respect B’s privacy, the letter writer also needs support, as suggested by their therapist. The primary concerns revolve around potentially biasing friends before they meet B and triggering B’s anxiety about the relationship.

Expert Opinions

Jenée Desmond-Harris acknowledged the letter writer’s thoughtfulness but admitted she would likely share more with her friends, whom she expects to have in her life permanently, regardless of the relationship’s duration. However, Lizzie O’Leary commended the writer for her thoughtfulness. O’Leary suggests finding a balance between personal support and avoiding prejudice against the partner.

Letting Go of Control

Desmond-Harris notes the letter writer’s desire to control the situation, ensuring friends like their partner and preventing triggers. Desmond-Harris advises, “as hard as it is, you have to let it go.” She suggests allowing the relationship to unfold naturally without excessive fear of mistakes. Desmond-Harris adds that a healthy relationship should withstand open communication about mental health struggles.

Seeking Support Without Permission

Having experienced clinical depression firsthand, O’Leary believes the letter writer can discuss the situation with friends without explicitly seeking permission. Indeed, according to a 2023 report by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), over 50 million Americans experience mental illness each year, highlighting the prevalence and importance of open conversations. O’Leary emphasizes that focusing on personal needs for support is crucial. She suggests that friends will inevitably form opinions and that the letter writer should focus on expressing their own feelings.

A Deeper Reading

Desmond-Harris suspects the partner might not be treating the letter writer well due to their depression and that this could be a hidden reason for the hesitation to share information. O’Leary agrees, suggesting the partner might perceive the request to share as a personal referendum. Therefore, the letter writer should emphasize that the conversation is about their feelings and need for support while being discreet.

Advice: Share, But Be Mindful

Desmond-Harris advises organizing a casual get-together to share life updates and seek support. While omitting specific details such as medication dosages, the letter writer should honestly express the challenges they face. O’Leary concurred, advocating for sharing but with discretion.