Over my decades of practice, seeing thousands of people who use donor conception to have their children, I’ve noticed a growing trend: more people want to co-parent or involve a known donor as a “mom” or “dad.” While many of these arrangements work well,many don’t.
We often mistake feeling good about an idea with it actually being good for us. That’s why we might choose donors based on looks or personality – things we can’t control – or clinics based on friendly doctors rather of success rates.
I don’t want to be overly clinical, and it’s important to feel good about your choices. But if you’re most concerned with your child’s and family’s future,you need to make practical decisions first,then consider your preferences. Choosing someone who will contribute half of your future child’s genetics is a big decision with long-lasting health effects, and the relationship you have with that person will also significantly impact your life.
Here are a few things to consider. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but it can help you think through the arrangement before making it permanent.I’ll assume the donor is male and providing sperm,but these situations are similar with egg donors and different family structures.
1. About half of all marriages end in divorce. If you love someone enough to commit your life to them and raise a child together, you’re more likely to stay committed than if you’re co-parenting with someone who isn’t your partner.
2. Being a “mom” or “dad” usually comes with financial responsibilities.Onc a donor takes on this title, they may be legally required to pay for things like college and medical expenses.
3. It also comes with potentially important roles in the child’s life. I’ve seen court battles where a donor parent wanted to change the child’s medication, school, or sports. I’ve also seen situations where the intended parent promised the donor a certain relationship with the child, then changed their mind, leaving the donor heartbroken.
4. How will friends and family react? Will the donor’s mother want to treat the child as a grandchild? This can be marvelous for some, but difficult for others. Will it change your relationships with friends who now see you as a parent?
5. What about their career? If they get a great job offer that requires moving, will they go? Will they feel financially burdened by the child, or obligated to choose jobs that allow more time with the child?
6. What about their romantic life? Will they feel hesitant to date, or worry a potential partner won’t accept their parental role? and what about their partner’s family?
7. Most importantly, what about the child? People often say, “It will be fine, my friend will be the dad, but he’ll just come to birthday parties.” A young child doesn’t understand this. they might wonder why all the “dads” come to their baseball game, but their “dad” doesn’t. maybe “dad” has different beliefs, and the child feels conflicted, or wants their “dad” to come to doctor’s appointments. What about holidays and gifts?
don’t forget to consider questions about involvement in the pregnancy, delivery, future children, and what to do with unused embryos. Many situations can affect everyone involved, and using the words “dad” or “mom” from the start can have lasting consequences for your child.
it’s important to remember that your child may, at some point, want to call the donor “dad.” If the donor isn’t going to parent the child, but the child understands their role and still wants to use that term, it might be helpful to allow it. Every child is different. Even within the same family, children may feel differently about their donor, and letting them explore those feelings can help them develop confidence.
But this is different from intentionally sharing financial and emotional responsibility equally with someone else from the beginning.Your college roommate might be your best friend and a great influence, but that doesn’t mean they need to be the “dad.”
This post is meant to encourage thoughtful decision-making and doesn’t replace legal advice.
