Parents, Take Note: Understanding and Addressing After-School “Meltdowns” is More Common Than You Think
New research highlights a widespread phenomenon – “restraint collapse” – where children exhibit intense emotional and behavioral dysregulation promptly after school, and offers parents five actionable strategies to help. Frequently enough mistaken for disobedience or a lack of discipline, this post-school behavior is a natural physiological response to hours of self-control exerted during the school day, according to child development expert Robyn Koslowitz, PhD.
The core issue, experts say, isn’t bad behavior, but a nervous system in need of reset. Here are five ways parents can support their children through this transition:
1. Prioritize Basic Needs First. Before diving into homework or activities, ensure your child’s fundamental needs are met. This means a bathroom break, a snack, and a drink. Koslowitz emphasizes the neurological basis for this approach, noting that “the nervous system calms faster when the body’s needs are met first.”
2. Encourage Healthy Habits, Not Control. If using a behavioral system, focus on rewarding positive physiological habits. “Eat something, drink something, and use the restroom, and that might earn you a sticker on a chart,” Koslowitz suggests. Avoid reinforcing control after school, such as rewarding a child for suppressing energy. “We never reinforce a behavior that isn’t biologically advisable. All that does is teach a child to ignore the body’s signals.”
3. Build Movement Into the Transition. Children need to release pent-up energy after a day of enforced stillness. Establish a post-school ritual incorporating physical activity – jumping on a trampoline, walking the dog, or a dance party are all effective options. Recognizing individual needs is key; some children require more movement than others, a variation that is entirely normal. Tools like bouncy bands, stability cushions, or standing desks can also help children “fidget in place” during the school day, perhaps lessening the intensity of the collapse at home.
4. Remember It’s Not About You. It’s easy for parents to feel personally rejected when a child “collapses” after school. However, Koslowitz stresses that restraint collapse is not a reflection of parenting skills. “Your child feels enough safety at home to let loose. Your child’s nervous system is seeking regulation in the place they feel safest.” This behavior can actually be a sign of a secure parent-child relationship. especially for parents with a history of trauma, it’s crucial to avoid self-blame.5. Embrace Playful Chaos. Instead of attempting to suppress the energy, redirect it through play. Schedule silly activities immediately after school – freeze dance, obstacle courses, or races – to help burn off pent-up energy and signal to the child that home is a safe space for authentic expression.Ultimately, Koslowitz argues, after-school restraint collapse is a normal release of effortful self-regulation. The key is to shift focus from control to restoration,prioritizing rituals of movement,play,and allowing the nervous system to recharge. These strategies, she concludes, can reduce the intensity of the collapse and strengthen the parent-child bond.
(c) Robyn Koslowitz, PhD 2025.
