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The Dismissive “it is indeed What It Is”: Understanding Its Impact and How to Respond
The phrase “it is what it is” has become ubiquitous in modern conversation. While seemingly innocuous, its frequent use can be deeply invalidating and emotionally dismissive. This article delves into the origins of this phrase, the psychological impact it has on those who hear it, and, crucially, how to respond – both when you’re the recipient and when you find yourself uttering it. We’ll explore why it’s often used as a coping mechanism, its potential to shut down interaction, and offer alternative responses that foster empathy and connection.
The Rise of a Modern Mantra
The exact origin of “it is what it is” is difficult to pinpoint. However,its popularization is often attributed to a quote by philosopher Alan Watts in the 1960s,though his context was far more nuanced than the current casual usage. Watts used the phrase to encourage acceptance of the present moment, a core tenet of Zen Buddhism. However, the phrase has evolved, shedding its philosophical roots and becoming a shorthand for resignation, often delivered with a shrug. A Google Trends analysis shows a significant increase in searches for the phrase starting around 2008, coinciding with periods of economic uncertainty and global events, suggesting its use spikes during times of stress and perceived lack of control.
Why “It Is What It Is” Hurts: The Psychology of Dismissal
The core problem with “it is what it is” isn’t the words themselves,but the *way* they’re typically delivered and the message they convey. Here’s a breakdown of the psychological impact:
Invalidation of Feelings
When someone shares a vulnerability – a worry, a regret, a pain – responding with “it is what it is” promptly invalidates their feelings. It implies that their emotional experience isn’t worthy of acknowledgment or support. Dr. Susan Silk, a clinical psychologist specializing in loss and grief, explains, “It shuts down the conversation. It says, ‘I’m not willing to engage with your pain.’”
Lack of Empathy
The phrase demonstrates a lack of empathy. It positions the speaker as emotionally detached, unwilling to step into the other person’s shoes. Empathy requires active listening and a genuine attempt to understand another’s outlook; “it is what it is” actively avoids this.
Suppression of communication
It effectively silences further discussion.Why would someone continue to share their feelings if they anticipate a dismissive response? This can damage relationships and create a sense of isolation.
Reinforcing Helplessness
While sometimes intended to promote acceptance, the phrase can inadvertently reinforce a sense of helplessness. It suggests that nothing can be done to improve the situation, even if that’s not true.
When Do People Say “It Is What It Is”? Understanding the Motivations
While the impact can be negative, understanding *why* people use this phrase is crucial. It’s rarely intended to be malicious. Common motivations include:
- Coping Mechanism: for the speaker, it can be a way to manage their own anxiety or discomfort with difficult emotions.It’s a way to distance themselves from the problem.
- Lack of Solutions: Sometimes, people say it because they genuinely don’t know what to say or how to help. they feel powerless and resort to this phrase as a default.
- Avoidance of Duty: In some cases, it can be a way to avoid taking responsibility for a situation or offering support.
- Cultural Norms: In certain cultures or social circles, stoicism and emotional restraint are valued, leading to more frequent use of this phrase.
How to Respond When *You* Hear ”it is indeed What It Is”
Receiving this response can be frustrating and hurtful. Here are some ways to respond constructively:
- Name the Impact: “When you say ‘it is what it is,’ it feels dismissive of my feelings.”
- Reiterate Your Need: “I’m not looking for a solution right now,just someone to listen.”
- Ask for Empathy: “Could you try to understand how difficult this is for me?”
- Set a Boundary: “I appreciate you trying to be positive, but I’d prefer it if you didn’t minimize my experience.”
- Shift the Conversation: If the person is unwilling to engage, gently steer the conversation to a different topic.
Breaking the Habit: how to Stop Saying “It Is What It Is”
If you find yourself frequently using this phrase, here’s how to break the habit:
