Should you give yourself a high-five when you’ve reached the fifth date with someone? After all, on social media, you may have seen different versions of the so-called “five-date rule.” One says that you should wait until the fifth date before having sex with someone. Another version indicates that the fifth date is when you are supposed to either get serious about a person or end things. There’s even a movie out now called Five date Rule.
well, before you tell the other person, “Hey, we are getting to the end of the fifth date, so are we going to have sex now?” keep in mind that, as is the case with most pop culture dating “rules,” the five-date rule isn’t a hard and fast one that always applies to everyone. It is helpful, though, to understand the original rationale behind the rule and how it might help your dating life.
The Five-Date Rule Is About Knowing Someone Better Before Having Sex
The main rationale behind the five-date rule is that you don’t want to jump into intimacy too quickly before you’ve gotten to know each other well enough. Sex can cloud your judgment—allowing your physical desires and hormones to supersede your head and heart when deciding what to do. Your physical desires can be notoriously bad at making decisions, which is probably why you don’t ask them about what to do with your 401(k).The challenge, though, is that getting to know each other isn’t always straightforward. Here’s what can happen during the first three dates:
- One date: As they say, one date can be an accident. Someone could be accidentally charming or accidentally a dork. During the first date, many people are quite guarded and not themselves. Your judgment may be clouded and inaccurate, too. For example, you may spend the whole date thinking, “OMG, look at that physique.”
- Two dates: As the saying continues,two dates can be a coincidence. Yes, a second date can confirm things like “Yes, that physique is indeed amazing.” But neither of you might potentially be your true selves yet.
- Three dates: That saying ends with “three is a trend.” By the third date, one might start seeing trends, either good or bad. But the emphasis here is on the word “might.” Statistically, you need a minimum of three measurements to determine the direction something may be going. But when it comes to sex and love, you may not want to be a minimalist.
So the thought is that you need at least a fourth date to see if things are really going in a certain direction. And a fifth date to confirm what you thought on the fourth date.
The Five-Date Rule Is Also About Not Taking Too Long to Decide
Of course, more time with someone will give you an even better idea about who that person really is and whether the two of you fit.So, why isn’t it the “seven-date rule” or “thousand-date rule” instead? Well, presumably, many people, including yourself, may not want to wait too long for intimacy.Telling someone that you need 994 more dates to decide may be a bit off-putting. Plus, at some point, balancing too many dating candidates together could get unwieldy and make your dating list look like one of those Las Vegas sports betting boards. Dating consumes a lot of time and effort that could be used for other things like your work, hobbies, friends, and sleep.
Therefore, five seems to be a reasonable number that balances the interests of your physical desires, head, and heart. Five is also a memorable number. Think five golden rings in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” and the five members of the spice Girls and One Direction.
Caveats About the Five-Date Rule
Again, dating “rules” like the five-date rule can be useful as general guidelines—or whatever other body parts happen to be involved—as long as you fully understand the rationale behind them. But be careful about applying such a rule strictly without exception. For example, if you are still on the fence about someone at the end of a fifth date, don’t feel obligated to say, “Well, I guess we have to have sex now.” Similarly,don’t get too down on yourself just as you became intimate after just two dates.
That’s becuase how quickly you get to know each other and figure out if a true fit exists can vary considerably. Different people have different ways of revealing themselves at different rates.Simultaneously occurring, you may or may not have the perceptiveness of a cane toad, known to breed with just anything. Then there’s all the baggage from previous relationships that can muddy the waters.
Moreover, dates can vary significantly in type and depth. A date in a movie theater, such as, where both of you spend most of the time staring silently forward, is very different from a 10-hour hike where you exchange your deepest thoughts. Additionally,you may have interactions before and between dates,such as chance encounters and talking on the phone.Throw into the mix the possibility that you knew each other already or have lots of mutual friends.
Thus, what’s more critically important is being aware of how well you know yourself and the other person. Can you answer basic questions about their personality, interests, priorities, and values, and how they match with what you want? Do you feel that what you are currently seeing is what you will indeed get? Remember too that being curious and continuing to learn about each other shouldn’t stop at any point. Heck, there are couples who have been married for over 40 years who still barely seem to know each other.
So consider the five-date rule more as a reminder of what to keep in mind and balance rather than a strictly adhered to rule. Simply put,before you get intimate with someone,take five and think about what you are getting yourself into and what you want,what you really,really want.
