‘I was dreading walking around in my bikini’ | Columns & Opinion

I’m only just on my way when I pass a group of girls of about eighteen. Type Victoria’s Secret model, including tiny bikini. I know I sound old now, but those things are small these days, aren’t they? And cut so high! I think it’s beautiful, but wouldn’t dare move for fear of a labia gate. And how do they actually get everything so perfectly hair-free, without bumps?

Okay, I digress. As I walk past the group, I see two girls ahead who have also noticed them. The two are dressed less fancy and quite solidly built, but at least as beautiful as the other girls. Most people probably wouldn’t notice them, but I recognize the fumbling in their towel and the almost scared look in their eyes right away. That’s exactly how I stood years ago in Lloret de Mar.

Stone in my stomach

I have now found a terrace and while I drink a glass of ice cold water, I think back to my first and last ‘party holiday’. I was about seventeen and went to Lloret de Mar with a friend for nine days to bake on the beach, eat well and especially to let loose in the evening. Such a holiday is a bit part of it at that age.

Weeks before that, I already had a stone in my stomach. Don’t get me wrong, I was really excited to spend time with my girlfriend, but at the same time was terrified to walk around in my bikini and go out in dresses and shorts. From the stories I’d heard, everyone kissed everyone on those vacations. But what if no one wanted to kiss me?

Not attracting attention

The holiday did not go as I expected. My girlfriend got so homesick on the second day that she got physical complaints. Going out in the evening and partying until the sun comes up was therefore not going to be him – which secretly suited me. Going to the beach often worked.

I did everything I could to make it as easy as possible for myself there. I convinced her that it was much more fun on the quieter beach and I wanted to be as close to the water as possible. Supposedly because I could hear the sea well, but actually it was a trick to attract as little attention as possible when I walked to and from the water.

Fat roll more or less

When I think back to how I used to be in life – and especially how I looked at myself – I feel like a plug. I’ve missed so many opportunities and let fun moments ruined by my insecurities. I didn’t talk about it, because I was also ashamed of the fact that I was ashamed (do you still get it?). In retrospect, I wish I knew then what I know now: it doesn’t matter what others think of you and your body is little more than a shell.

For me it was about my weight, another is insecure about pimples, crooked teeth, excessive hair growth, sweating or you name it… Really everyone you meet has something. And that is precisely why there is no point in letting it ruin even one day. Who you are on the inside is so much more important than how you look on the outside. We’ll survive those pimples or fat rolls – you’re only really an asshole if you have an ugly personality.

Again seventeen

In recent years I have said that I would like to be seventeen again: no responsibilities, work purely because I like it and not to pay the rent and more than enough time to grow up. But now that I think about it, I wouldn’t trade my thirty-year-old self for the insecure girl back then.

Often we only talk about the negative sides of getting older, but if I can name one positive thing, it’s that every year I feel more confident about who I am and what I look like. With that thought in mind, I made plans for my evening off in Hersonissos. Going wild at twenty-nine is still fine, right? I have some catching up to do.

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