After years of warnings and disciplinary offenses, Antonio González Trujillo, a Spaniard who died in 1875 and until now residing in Heaven, at the side of the Lord, has been expelled and sentenced to Hell for feeding the angels “repeatedly and disobeying direct orders, ”according to sources from Beyond. “González led a virtuous life and deserved to live in Heaven eternally, but his file has been reviewed because it has made the cherubs fatten up to 20 kilos,” reads the official statement, released by the Holy See.
According to reports from Heaven, González argues that he has earned doing whatever he wants and that what he likes is feeding the pigeons. And since, logically, all pigeons are in Hell, he feeds the angels even though he has been explicitly forbidden to do so on various occasions.
González has even ignored the “please do not feed the angels” signs that Our Lord was forced to put up in 1912. Today, angels have become so fat that they can no longer fly and all they do is walk heavily, showing no grace at all and looking “more earthly than divine.”
Apparently, God is very proud of cherubs and controls their diet very strictly because, being asexual, they tend to gain weight. González Trujillo has been throwing them breadcrumbs every day simply to distract himself, when in Heaven there are far superior entertainments and pleasures. The incident that led to their expulsion was the ingestion of one of the angels, which made God understand that he was fattening them up to eat them.
At the last minute, sources from Hell have confirmed that Trujillo is using the embers of heaven to roast pigeons.