During development from childhood to adulthood, a person learns to overcome physical and emotional obstacles, unpleasant situations, and because of this, he creates patterns of behavior and actions that guarantee his survival. And even though he is no longer needed, this behavior continues to affect him. Because it is deeply rooted in his mind and sprouts its horns without one being aware of it. The world-renowned coach Shirzad Chamine, who is dedicated to the types of sabotaging behavior and even created a test to detect them, and who discusses individual behaviors in detail in his book Positive intelligence, points to one rather life-complicating behavior, and that is a person is a “pleaser – sometimes called a comforter”. A person who helps everyone, but wants something in return.
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I will help but…
This is a behavior that a person has already formed in childhood. Shirzad Chamine links the origin of the “comforter”. with the compulsion to put the needs of others before one’s own at an early age, or with the child’s belief that he will only get love if he deserves it. And so they try to gain acceptance through their helpfulness, flattery or saving others.
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Emotional intelligence lecturer Jitka Ševčíková describes the origin of his behavior and the problems associated with it in more detail: “The comforter in us tries to be accepted by others by fulfilling their needs and putting our own needs aside. Often he is not even aware of his needs! Yes, it could be the upbringing where he heard: ‘You have to earn love, please everyone, first go out of your way to meet others, then think about yourself…’ We often copy what we lived at home, what our parents took from their parents .”
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According to Shirzad, a person with this dominant sabotaging behavior forgets his needs and feels hurt. He cannot openly say what he needs, so he tries to make others feel that they are indebted to him. Such a person has a strong need to please people and requires frequent reassurance from others of their acceptance and affection. The lies he tells himself are: “I’m not doing this for myself. I help others selflessly and expect nothing in return. The world would be a better place if everyone behaved like this.” But the biggest problem is that he thinks that if he expresses his own needs, he will be seen as selfish and will push others away from him and they won’t like him.
What is the truth?
He does not help and flatter selflessly, he wants love. By helping so much, trying to please everyone and not let anyone down, he very quickly makes his way to burnout syndrome, because it is very exhausting to constantly take care of others and forget about yourself. A person feels unappreciated, gets angry at others, that he is taken for granted and that no one thanks him for everything he has done for them. He manipulates and encourages others to become overly dependent on him. Threatens his own needs emotionally, physically or financially. They rarely answer NO, I can’t, I don’t have, I won’t help. Because of this, he feels that he has no time and perceives life as hectic. How could he not, when he devotes most of his time to others and then has no time for himself. As a result, a person begins to feel anger towards his surroundings.
How to get rid of such behavior?
In her courses and sessions, Jitka Ševčíková progresses along the path of realizing her limits. “I don’t lead people to extremes, so that a person who “must satisfy everyone” becomes an egotistical selfish person, but so that they know their own limits, don’t cross them and don’t let others cross them either. If he is not aware of his boundaries (and by that I mean physical, financial, time, energy, ethical boundaries, i.e. really somehow measurable), it will be without boundaries and we will get lost in it, we don’t know who we are, where we are – in the figurative sense of the word . We don’t live our own lives, but the lives by which we fulfill someone else’s dreams, desires and visions. Yes, we are not self-conscious,” says Jitka Ševčíková. The way is to work on gaining a healthy self-esteem, the ability to say “no” and focus on your own needs, without guilt and shame. Providing help only within certain limits without further expectations. To like yourself, to be proud of yourself, to perceive your needs and not to cling to confirmation of your own worth through the reactions of others.
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